Where I Belonged
by Limes-ade
Summary: It's seventh year, and Lily is forced to stand by the sidelines while James puts up with, er, enjoys his new girlfriend.
1. Week Five (Lily)

This is a re-imagining of a fanfic by aeaflo. He/she originally wrote a songfic based off of Taylor Swift's You Belong with Me. While I liked the general premise of the story, I wanted to improve upon the grammar a bit, and there was some story lines I wanted to change. For instance, I have never understood why so many fics have a dance at Hogwarts. The only one in the entire Harry Potter series was because of the Triwizard tournament, and they obviously didn't have that in the 70s. I suppose it's for convenience. Aeaflo may have done it to parallel Taylor's music video. But, I digress. The general idea was his/hers, and here is a link to the original story: s/5253298/1/bYou_b_bBelong_b_With_bMe_b.

All credit goes, of course, to aeaflo, Taylor Swift, and J.K. Rowling.

Quick A/N. I just want to mention that, while cannon, this story doesn't seem extremely plausible or realistic to me. And, by keeping (relatively) close to aeaflo's timeline, I acknowledge that the amount of Hogsmeade days, time of Quidditch, etc... may be off from Rowling's work, and I apologize. Any other writing I do will be written differently, and most likely be shorter. I wrote it mainly to parallel/redo aeaflo's fic. Carry on.

Background:

It's James and Lily's seventh year. After Lily's accusations by the lake at the end of OWLs, James contemplated her words over the entire summer. He matured and grew, and gave her space for half of sixth year. After Christmas break of sixth year, they started a tentative friendship. That friendship continued to grow throughout that year and summer, and they were close friends by the time seventh year rolled around. About a week into seventh year, James gets a girlfriend. This takes place about a month into seventh year.

* * *

**Location: Gryffindor Common Room**

**WEEK FIVE of 7th YEAR**

Normally, I am a rather patient person.

I tried to be understanding and tolerant of the underclassman. I put up with constant noise in the common room when I was trying to study. My efforts even made me a prefect, an honor which I lived up to (mostly). But there was one thing, more than any other, that grated against my nerves.

Whining. I hate whiners. I never made it as babysitter because of this, and I still can't stand to be around most children. The sound of whining is like nails on a chalkboard to my ears. And this trait, normally demonstrated by three year old privileged children, was all I had been hearing out of James's girlfriend for the past twenty minutes.

James and Haley (his girlfriend) were about thirty feet from me, but I could hear her voice perfectly. She sounded like a petulant child on helium. I was not usually a meddling person. I really didn't care who was fighting with who, or who was dating who, or any other trivial teenager type conversation topics. In my eyes, anyone could date whomever they pleased, and I didn't really give a damn.

Usually.

But my GOD.

I kept hoping, wishing, and praying that she and James would break up, if only so I didn't have to hear her voice in the Gryffindor common room ever again. The second week of school, Sirius and I actually started a bet on how long their relationship would last. I, personally, was optimistic and gave it a whole week. Sirius, who knew James's relationship history much better than I, surprised and worried me by giving it an almost an entire month. We, of course, were both wrong. Sirius still tried to connive the money out of me by saying that his guess was closer (which, to be fair, it was. But that wasn't the bet). I ignored him, which he took with surprising grace. I had wondered aloud how long James's relationships normally lasted. For the seven years we had been going to school together, I actually knew frightfully little about James's personal life. According to Sirius, James always tried to force as much out of a relationship as possible. He kept them going long after they should have been terminated.

This one never should have started.

No one—and I do mean NO ONE—understood how they got together, let alone how they had stayed together for an entire month. James was a jokester. He was almost never completely serious; he could and would take any situation and turn it lighthearted. But, he was also fiercely and blindly loyal to his friends and beliefs. No matter what they had done, he stood strongly by their side. He would defend what he cared about until his death. Haley, on the other hand, was a uptight, pompous, Ravenclaw bitch. She took everything far too seriously. Everything, including how much syrup was on her waffles, was a do-right-or-die situation. And don't assume that she was smart just because she was in Ravenclaw. Oh no, she was not book nor street smart. She was just pretentious as hell. She was the school gossip, and due to that, I doubted she had ever kept a friendship longer than a year. She was always spreading rumors and whispering other's secrets. She had no loyalties.

I hated her, and I was not alone in this. Sirius could barely stand to be near her for more than a minute. We all used to sit together at lunch (house tables pretty much ceased to matter by the time we made it to 7th year), but he could never contain his insults and mocking to and about her. She always got offended, and James was forced to take her side. Eventually, Remus, Sirius, and I all moved and sat together at the other end of the table. While I hated the situation, this did contribute to the growth of my relationship with the two other Marauders, of which I am devoutly thankful. While I truly loved getting to know the people who would become, and remain, my best friends, I missed James (and I am sure Remus and Sirius did as well). Other than James ditching her, there was no real solution. James wouldn't sit without her, and no one else could stand to be with her for an entire lunch period. Even give-everyone-the-benefit-of-the-doubt Remus had admitted that he couldn't take her personality. Personally, I think it was because she always tried to sound intelligent, and made comments about theories, books, and lectures. Remus, who was not a pseudo intellectual, actually understood what she was talking about, and knew that what she was saying made no sense. He politely tried to correct her once about a comment she made about a McGonagall lecture, but she screamed in his face that he was ignorant and huffed off. That was the last time he ever initiated conversation with her.

So, in summary, everyone hated James's bitchy girlfriend. To be honest, I can't believe _James _didn't hate her. They fought more than he and I used to, and that's saying something. Near every night they got in a shouting match. It was usually over some joke he said that offended her. She just didn't seem to understand that he was _joking, _and it wasn't meant to be taken seriously. God, anyone who knew James in the slightest understood his sense of humor, but she couldn't ever seem to figure it out. I sometimes thought she willfully misunderstood him, just so she could hear him grovel. I couldn't stand that he gave her the satisfaction. It was always _her _that was in the wrong, and he was _always _the one that apologized. I once talked to him about it, but he told me to mind my own business. So I did (to him, anyway. My internal monologue was another matter entirely).

So, I kept my mouth shut and silently brooded as I watched the two fight over and over again. This particular time, it was quite obvious that Haley was fighting crocodile tears, which aggravated me in an inexplicable, yet intense, way. I was watching the scene when Sirius came and took the seat next to me. I leaned over to him.

"Hey Sirius." I greeted him. "Any idea what this one is about?"

"If I am correct, he said that she looked pretty today." I stared at him for a second, but he didn't correct himself.

"Um, she's yelling at him for that?"

"Yeah. Apparently that means that she didn't look pretty yesterday?" My eyebrows shot up. Holy hell. "Is that girl-code or something?"

"No. That's psycho code. Sirius, come on. You're his best friend. Talk some sense into him. Get him to dump her."

"I can't, Lily. I tried once and he about bit my head off. We don't interfere with each other's love lives. It was decided fourth year. We stay detachedly supportive."

"As good of an idea as that is, don't you think desperate times call for desperate measures?"

"I wouldn't know how to make him stop. He tends to like to do the opposite of what I say just to piss me off. I think we'll just have to ride this one out. Why can't you talk to him?" He asked. I squirmed a little in my seat, a little embarrassed by my truthful answer.

"I don't want to interfere. Coming from his best friend, he'd think it was advice. But from a girl, he may think I have ulterior motives or something." Sirius was about to interrupt, but I hurried on. "Plus, I don't want to seem unsupportive. Our friendship is a lot newer than yours and his. If you talked to him, there was a less chance that he'd get permanently mad." Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Lame excuses."

"You can't accuse me of lame excuses when yours is based off a promise you made in _fourth _year."

"A promise is a promise, Lily! We can't break them because they're old! That actually just increases their strength!" I was about to reply, but Sirius kept going. "But it's a moot point, in the end. No matter what we say, he'll dump her eventually. I mean, seriously, how much longer could he really stay with her? James'll get sick of her; he has to."

"James will do what?" Speak of the devil. Sirius and I had gotten caught up in our conversation and failed to notice the apparent end to their fight. But the evidence was there: Haley was nowhere to be seen, and James was walking towards Sirius and I. He flopped down in the chair next to me before repeating the question. "James'll do what?"

"Hey, James. How are you?" I purposefully evaded his question. He gave me a pointed look before letting his face fall into one of tiredness and exasperation.

"I just can't win." He said, sounding frustrated and sad.

"Let's get your mind off it." I suggested. I didn't want to talk about Haley, and I didn't really want to hear him speak of her either. "How about a game of chess? A trip to the kitchens?"

"No, I had better go after her. She's probably already halfway to the lake."

"Prongs, maybe you should let her blow off some steam." Sirius said.

"No, I should apologize."

"For _what?_ What exactly did you do wrong?" Sirius asked, more harshly than I am sure he intended.

"I did offend her. She's my girlfriend, and it's my job to make her feel special, not hurt." With that, James stood, and my stomach rolled in that not-quite-unpleasant way. As he left to make amends with her, I was left to contemplate the sheer unfairness that most decent men who believed that were with girls who didn't appreciate it.


	2. Week Six (Lily)

**Location: Heads' Dorm Common Room**

**WEEK SIX of 7th YEAR**

I loved Quidditch, but not for the reasons you're probably thinking. Don't get me wrong, I did highly enjoy the games. I loved screaming for my team and making a fool out of myself. I didn't really care about any professional leagues, but I was willing to show house spirit when the time came.

But no, I loved Quidditch because of what it did to James.

It made him so happy. Beyond what I, Sirius, Remus, praise, cake, or anything else could do, it made him truly content. Be it practice or a game, he always had a bounce in his step and a smile on his face before and after getting on the field. Since we lived together in the head's dorm, it was important that I knew what times he was at his best. And for James, it was always after Quidditch. I suppose if he had a terrible team this might have been a different matter altogether, but his team had won the cup for four years running. He was a brilliant player and a strong captain, and always seemed confident coming out of practice and into games.

He was at Quidditch practice this particular night, and I was working on a Transfiguration essay, which was taking an unnervingly and obnoxiously long amount of time. It's not that I didn't understand the class. I just had a difficult time concentrating in absolute silence, as I had gotten used to roommates meandering around for the past six years. I could have gone to the library, but the increase in volume would have been minimal. I suppose I could have gone to the Gryffindor common room, which was sure to be noisy, but it would be more effort than it was worth to move all my materials. So, I stayed put and endured what most would consider peace. Finally, when the silence had assaulted my ears for almost an hour, I decided to turn on my radio. It was a wizard radio, and I knew almost none of the songs, but it was worth it to have some background noise. I was humming along to some unknown lyrics when I heard the door slam behind me. I turned, and James was standing there with a large smile, a broomstick, and his incredibly sweaty self.

"Hey, James!" I smiled as he walked over to me. "How was practice?"

"Good. How has your night been?" I gave him an odd look as he settled in a arm chair across from me.

"It's been fine. Since when is practice ever 'good'? Normally it's a twenty minute long speech about prospects, and chances, etc."

"Ah, I have been recently informed that girls' do not indeed care what my Quidditch team has been trying at a practice. I will spare you."

Haley. Of course. Only she would take something James adored and was passionate about and make it wrong. Only she would not allow him to talk about his interests.

"James, seriously, you can talk about it."

"I don't want to bore you."

"James. Tell me about practice."

"You're just being nice. It really isn't necessary." I rolled my eyes.

"James, I want to know. It's important to you, and thus, it is important to me. Go. Talk." He smiled.

"Thanks, Lily." He then proceeded to launch into a detailed play by play of the entire practice, complete with theoretical meanings for the next game and their chances for the entire season. I cared less about what he was saying and more about how glad he was that he was saying it. How did she not like to see him so excited?

"Anyway," he said, once he had finished. "What have you been up to?"

"I was just writing McGonagall's essay and listening to the radio. Nothing exciting, I assure you."

"Do you want me to take a look at your essay?"

"Yes, PLEASE." I said enthusiastically. James was exceptional at Transfiguration, and infuriatingly good at essays. He had a way of saying absolutely nothing, but making it sound like a two hundred year old scholar. He pushed himself up from his chair and walked over to the table I was sitting at. As he leaned over me, I could smell the sweat and dirt radiating from his body. I wasn't entirely sure when that had stopped being gross and started being extremely attractive in my mind, but I attempted to ignore it nevertheless. Hormones wouldn't due me any good where he was concerned, anyway.

"Lily, you're going to have to start all over." He said solemnly. I had spent the last several minutes lost in my thoughts, and hadn't noticed him reading my essay with a slight frown. I quickly looked up at him, a little frenzied at the thought of having to redo all of my work.

"What? Please, no." I said, looking into his face. While his face was somber, there was a laugh in his eyes. I rolled my eyes and hit him in the shoulder. He laughed.

"Idiot. You had me worried. I've worked on this for hours."

"Sorry, I couldn't resist. It's actually fine. You really just need a conclusion, which I'd be happy to write for you and transfigure into your handwriting."

"You would do that?"

"You listened to me talk about Quidditch for thirty minutes. I'd do anything for you." I ignored the butterflies that arose in my stomach, and answered him as normally as possible.

"As head students, we really shouldn't be cheating, you know."

"You don't want the help?"

"Did I say that?" He laughed before taking the quill from my hand. He drew up a chair next to me, pulled my paper over to him, and began his work. For a few moments it was completely silent sans the scratching of the quill and the quiet sounds of the radio. I took the time to watch him write. I was always amazed at how well he could write. For someone who wasted as much time as he did in class, I would expect him to be an utter failure at explanations. Somehow, though, he managed not to only get superior looks and athletic skills, but he was also blessed with a brain to go along with it. How was that fair to the rest of the population?

He suddenly looked up at me, and I started, for a wild second thinking he guessed my thoughts. Instead, he said "Do you like this band?"

Thrown for a second, I gathered my wits before answering. I listened for a second to the song, and I realized that I had never heard it before.

"I have no idea. I've never heard them."

"Well, what do you think of this song?" I listened for another few seconds before responding.

"I like it a lot. Why?"

"It's my favorite band."

"Really? They're great! Have you ever seen them in person?"

"Nah. I was going to, but Sirius needed me that day, so I had to skip it." He went back to work, and I felt a huge rush of affection towards him.

"I'm sure you'll get a chance to see them again. They must be popular." I began drumming on the table in beat with it, which made the ink splatter everywhere. I ignored it; I could clean it later. James smiled at me.

"I'm glad you like them. Haley hates them. She's says they're too loud." I snorted and he looked up at me.

"Seriously? It's not like they're screaming or anything. What does she like, love ballads?"

"Yeah. I sometimes seriously question why we're together." He joked. Out loud, I laughed along with him. Inwardly, I was silently asking the same question.


	3. Week Seven (Lily)

**Location: Quidditch Pitch and Gryffindor Common Room**

**WEEK SEVEN of 7th YEAR**

I had gotten myself into a bit of a pickle.

After the escapade of James coming into my room after Quidditch, helping me with my essay, and talking with me for a good three straight hours, I came to a conclusion.

I hated Haley. Not just sort of hated her, but fiery, passion-filled loathing consumed my soul for the far-too-pretty-to-be-natural brunette. This wasn't an altogether shocking discovery. I knew I didn't like her for the way she treated James. But this was new. I hated her, _loathed_ her, _despised _her, _deplored _her, just for the fact that she was _with_ James. Now that-that was unsettling. It was fine to hate her for being a ruddy human being. Anyone could, and would. But the problem was that I didn't just hate her for treating him like rubbish. I hated her for having the chance. I hated her for being his special someone. I hated her for being the girl he kissed every night. I hated her for being the one he put his arm around and ate meals with. So, my hatred was fueled by jealousy.

That was not a helpful, welcome, or surprising discovery.

My relationship with James had always been extremely complicated. Throughout the first three years of our relationship, there was a mutual dislike between us. He was a bit of an idiot, and I was pompous. I thought him entitled, and he thought me stuck up. We ignored each other for the most part. Things got more complicated fourth and fifth year. See, I never truly hated James. He was an arrogant berk, and this only increased come these two years. But, what also came these two years was the highlighting of all his remarkable traits. Because for every prank he pulled, there was some ingenious, highly complicated, extremely advanced magic behind it. I couldn't help but be impressed. With every bullying of a Slytherin came the fact of how much he truly despised the Dark Arts and fought for what he cared for, which I admired. For every reckless stunt came a bravery I couldn't help envy. With every insult he and Sirius threw came the illumination of just how close they were, and how far they would go to protect each other, which never failed to make my heart flutter. So, for how much they annoyed and frustrated me, I didn't hate either of them. I was conflicted about their character. They were people, and complicated ones at that. I just hated how they acted like pricks.

Then came sixth year. To sum it up, James stopped being a prick (Sirius was still a work in progress). He let his head deflate, and stopped showing off every thirty seconds. Suddenly, everything that was so unbelievably admirable about him was on exhibition, and everything deplorable about his personality was gone. Don't get me wrong, I was very happy to see this transformation. But I was also slightly worried. I knew that I always had been impressed with James in a very personal, inward, hidden level. I also knew that I would have to be extremely careful around him if I wanted this to stay hidden. Now that everything that kept my emotions at bay was gone, I would have to keep a tight rein on my thoughts and feelings concerning him. He was the type I always fell for. This was never a problem before, as I would never agree to date someone who had all of his less than desirable traits. But now that he had changed, I would have to watch myself. I would have to remind myself that this was James.

But that was the problem now. He was James. I admired him when he was hexing everyone, acting like an ass, and being a complete and utter idiot. Now that he actually was an admirable, regular human being, and friend, I had no chance.

I was going to fall.

If I'm going to be honest, I already had.

It was not a crush. I have always hated that term anyway. It seems to imply that it is a short lived interest. This wasn't like that. I loved James, and had for a while. I deeply, truly cared about him. I respected him and wanted the absolute best for him. There was no real problem with this in and of itself. I loved Mary. I loved my parents. I loved Petunia. At one time, I had loved Snape. I eventually came to love Sirius. Loving James really shouldn't have been a problem. But it was, because it didn't stop there. This love that I had felt for a while had blossomed into butterflies and sweaty hands. And because this _liking _of him stemmed from a deep and true _loving _of him, I knew I was a goner. There was no _getting over it_, because I had loved him first. I never would stop caring for him. So, how on earth could I separate being _in _love and just love?

If there's a way, I still don't know it.

So this realization of jealousy (and thus the _being in _part of loving) was quite scary. I knew I had no shot, because he had a girlfriend, but I also knew the feeling wasn't going to go away. The only thing I could do is continue to be his best friend, and hope that he might come to the same realization as I. Until then, I would just have to support him in all his endeavors, even if that included tolerating his girlfriend.

I decided to put these thoughts into action by going to the first Gryffindor match of the season. It was against Slytherin, and James had been talking about it nonstop to me. I wanted to show that I actually cared about his interests (unlike _some _people), so I decided to go all out with my clothes. I wore a Gryffindor shirt, scarf, hat, and face paint. It was a little overboard, but I was sure he'd appreciate it, and that was all that truly mattered to me anyway. So, feeling slightly ridiculous, I left to meet up with Sirius. He always insisted on getting to matches an hour early so he could get the best seat. When I went by myself, I never left so early. But, with Sirius, I didn't really mind. It was always nice to sit up there and talk with him for a while. As I headed over to the common room to find him, I ran into James.

"Hey James! You ready to win?" I asked, smiling as we fell into step, walking side by side.

"Hi Lily. Yes, of course. I always am. Why are you headed this way?"

"To see if Sirius has left for the pitch yet. He usually hangs around the common room before games, doesn't he?"

"Yeah, he should be there."

"Why are you going this way? Shouldn't you be headed down to the pitch, oh captain, my captain?" He smiled slightly.

"I was going to meet up with Haley first."

"Oh." was all I could manage. We walked in compatible silence for a few moments.

"I like your house pride." James finally said. I looked up from the ground to see his amused smile.

"I'm not entirely sure if you're making fun of me or not. I'll take it as a compliment."

"As it was meant!" James said earnestly.

"Well, thank you, then." We arrived at the Fat Lady's portrait, gave the password, and stepped in.

"Honestly, Lily, it's awesome." I heart pounded a little too hard for my comfort. It took me a second gather myself. Finally, when I turned to reply, I saw that his attention had been taken from me. Confused, I looked forward to see what had diverted his attention. Immediately, my self confidence plummeted and my self consciousness skyrocketed. Because, waiting for James, was Haley. She looked good enough to divert any guy's attention. While my hair looked perpetually unbrushed, hers looked silky and clean. While I had on face paint, she had on meticulously and perfectly applied makeup. And while I had on a baggy T-Shirt and jeans, she was wearing a short skirt and a top low enough to make anyone's eyes wander.

James walked on to her while I stayed behind in the entrance. I felt absolutely no need to hear him talk to her, and really only wished to leave the premises and never see either of them ever again.

As I stood there contemplating the best way to inconspicuously make my escape, Sirius walked up to me.

"Hey, Lil." He greeted me.

"Sirius." I said, attempting to sound normal. I turned to him with my best attempt at a smile. I apparently did not succeed.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'd just like to get down to the pitch. Don't you always want to get down to the pitch early? Isn't that your thing? Maybe it can be my thing now. Or our thing. Whatever works for you. Do you want to go? I want to go." I rambled.

"Um, sure?" He said. I grabbed his arm and physically forced him out the portrait hole. He stumbled, but I continued to pull him. "Lily! Relax! Slow down! We have like an hour."

"Right. I just want to get a good seat."

"Look, I hate her too, but that's no reason to rush me away." He surprised me, but I kept my face in check and stared resolutely down the hallway.

"Like hell it isn't." I muttered.

* * *

Because of our early departure, Sirius and I got the best seats in the house to watch the massacring of Slytherin. We over tripled their points, due to a timely catching of the Snitch and Slytherin's keeper's inability to do his job correctly. James scored 40% of the goals, which I knew he would gloat about (with good reason).

Sirius and I were heading down to the field to congratulate him, but Haley beat us there. We both rolled our eyes at her. She had been about three rows in front of Sirius and I, and had barely paid any attention to the game. She talked through the majority of it, and was inspecting her clothing for the rest. I doubt she even knew what position James played. But that didn't stop her from screaming "You're so amazing!", jumping onto James, and kissing him in front of a good three hundred spectators. Sirius and I decided to wait until she was through to talk to him, but she seemed glued to his side for the rest of the night. As she hung off of him during the after party, I couldn't help but to feel envious. I tried to bite it down and just be happy for James, but I couldn't quite manage it. I avoided him for the majority of the night, because the sight of them made me feel like smashing something (preferably Haley's face). As these were not healthy, nor particularly easy to ignore, thoughts, I kept waiting for her to go to bed (she always left the parties early. She needed her beauty sleep, apparently) to talk with him. Unfortunately for me, she stayed with him until around 2AM, at which point I gave up went to bed. As I walked to the head's dorm alone, a sudden realization hit me.

When Ravenclaw lost the game against Gryffindor last season, she had left the game without speaking to her then-boyfriend. When they won against Hufflepuff, I remembered her running onto the field, screaming his name, and jumping into his arms. Apparently, she liked a winner, and not much more. Come to think of it, her last three boyfriends had been Quidditich captains. I was suddenly getting the suspicion that her romantic involvement had less to do with James himself, and more to do with Gryffindor's win/loss record.

If I didn't hate her before, the feeling strongly arose in me. I angrily marched into the head's dorm, stripped off my ugly clothes, and flopped myself onto my bed. I barely had the energy to cry, but I somehow managed it.


	4. Week Eight (Lily)

A week later, I decided to enjoy what was left of the autumn weather and sit outside by the Great Lake. The initial plan was to get caught up on some Charms work, but I ended up just sitting in the sun, watching the lake and nature. After about a half an hour of alone time, James walked up. I smiled when I saw him, which he returned.

"Hey Lily."

"James. Where's Sirius and/or Remus?"

"They're both studying for the Potions exam." I gave him an disbelieving look, which he laughed at. "Okay, Remus is studying, and Sirius is off with Haley."

"Excuse me?" I said, a bit too loudly. He chuckled at me again.

"No, I'm serious, actually. Sirius is spending time with Haley."

"Why?" I said. I was completely thrown. One thing I had always been confident in was Sirius's mutual hatred of that girl.

"I asked him to. I was aware of his, uh, dislike, and it bothered me. I want them to be friends. I asked him to hang out with her for like a half hour and get to know her."

"Sounds fun." I said stiffly. I wanted to redirect the conversation, but was not really sure where to take it. All I knew was that if Haley was concerned, I wanted nothing to do with it.

"Good thing I don't have to worry about you or Remus on that. You two are so much more open minded." We were not so much open minded as discreet with our emotions. I decided against telling him that, and ended up asking him about the charms homework. We talked for a good half hour about nothing in particular. When silence finally overtook us, I softly said to myself

"This is so easy." Whenever I had boyfriends, the hardest part was always casual conversation. I always wanted a relationship to come out of a friendship, but so far I had not been so lucky.

"Yeah, it is." I look up at him, startled. I hadn't meant for him to hear me, but his easy smile relaxed my frayed, hormonal nerves. I smiled back, and let myself believe for a few minutes that he meant it the way I did.


	5. Week Nine (Lily)

**Location: Gryffindor Common Room**

**WEEK NINE of 7th YEAR**

"And there she blows." I said. Remus laughed, but quickly sobered when he caught the look on James's face. Haley had, once again, gotten in a shouting match with James. From what I heard, she was accusing him of 'emotional cheating' or some rubbish. James had never given her any reason to doubt, yet she seemed to anyway. I don't know how he put up with the mistrust.

"Hi, guys." James had walked over to our table and was hovering over us.

"Hi James!" Remus and I said in unison.

"What are you two up to?" In truth, we were pretty much exclusively watching the spectacle that was James's relationship. Somehow, I didn't feel like it was wise to tell him that.

"Remus was discussing what would happen if a centaur had a child with an horse animagus." I created off the top of my head. James barked out a laugh, and Remus gave me an exasperated look.

"I never thought that'd be your choice of conversation, Moony." James snickered.

"Neither did I." Remus shot me an annoyed glance. While I felt slightly bad at embarrassing my friend, I couldn't quite regret what I said. I had made a very dejected James laugh, and it made me feel powerful and worthwhile. Remus could survive some discomfort for that.

"Well, I'll leave you two to your conversation about horses' mating habits." With a smile, James plunked himself down at table near ours and took out his charms book from his discarded book bag. I watched him for a minute before turning back to Remus.

"It just doesn't make any sense to me, Remus." I whispered.

"I don't really understand it either."

"Please, try to explain it to me. You're one of his best friends. Why is he with her?" Remus sighed, shook his head, and didn't answer.

"It just doesn't make sense. He's too good for her." I put my head down on the table and groaned. I heard Remus's soft chuckle, but due to my eye's position, I missed the confused look that James shot me from a nearby table.


	6. Week Ten (Lily)

**Location: Heads' Common Room**

**WEEK TEN of 7th YEAR**

It was about five o' clock on a Saturday in mid November when James came out of his dorm room. He was dressed to impress, with a black button down and slacks. I smiled at his muggle clothing, although I knew it just for Haley (being a half-blood, she always insisted on him wearing muggle clothing as much as possible. This was about the only thing for which I gave her credit).

"Hi James. What are you up to?"

"I have a date, as you can probably guess." He nervously adjusted his bow tie, which made my heart beat creep up.

"You look nice. Where are you going?"

"Something a little ways from Hogsmeade. I got special permission, being the head boy and all." I nodded at him and turned back to my charms book. I was attempting to seem supportive, but I knew my face was easily read. It was best not to give him the chance to read my cracking heart.

"Why aren't you hanging out with Mary or Sirius tonight?" He asked. I looked back up at him.

"Well, they both asked if I wanted to, but I said I'd prefer to finish this essay." He gave me a slightly disbelieving look, but thankfully let it go. In all honesty, I knew this night was going to end up depressing no matter how or whom with I spent it. In actuality, I was going to spend the night attempting to come to terms with the fact that I would never be with James how I wanted. It was only fair. He, after all, had to do the same with me back in the day. It was a lot harder than I ever gave him credit for. It was easier to understand his persistence now that I understood persistent feelings.

"In all honesty, how do I look, Lily?" James asked. For some reason, he seemed more on edge and nervous than usual. I smiled up at him, and forced my voice to stay at it's natural level.

"Very handsome." He nodded at me, and then jumped a perceptible distance when there was a knock on the door. He rushed over to it, and opened the door to see Haley. Once again, the sight of her made my self confidence plummet. I was in an oversized T-Shirt, baggy shorts, and my hair was in a messy bun. She was in a skimpy, skin tight, black dress with six inch heels. James smiled largely at her, took her hand, and left without a backward glance. I tried to steady my breathing, but my body refused to stop the tears from falling. Eventually, I just let them fall as I finished my homework. I unconsciously took a long time finishing and perfecting all my essays. I wanted to see him when he got back, and ask him about how his night was, like a best friend should. If I was going to play the part, I might as well do it correctly. But the day kept slipping by, and the night had come in full force. Finally, I was forced to accept the fact that absolutely no one stayed up that late just snogging, and he might not be coming back until morning. I vacated the couch that I had been inhabiting for a good five hours and made my way to my room, all the while cursing my heart for choosing him to love.


	7. 3AM (Lily)

**Location: Lily's bedroom**

**SAME DAY, 3AM**

At about 3AM, I randomly woke. My brain was groggy and slow responding, but I eventually realized that someone was knocking on my door. My mind quickly snapped awake. I left my bed to open the door, and was unsurprised to see James on the other side. He looked tired, and not only in the physical sense.

"Hi Lily. I'm so sorry to bother you. But I just...could we talk?" He sounded exhausted.

"Of course we can. Don't apologize. That's what I'm here for." I quickly ushered him into my room. He sat down on my bed and leaned his head up against my headboard. I followed suit and sat across from him. I decided to stay quiet until he broke the silence. I figured he had his own conversation topic in mind. I was right.

"You've had boyfriends before." It wasn't really a question.

"Yes, a couple."

"Did you guys ever fight?" I saw where this was leading.

"Not a lot. I sort of did with Eric, but we broke up after our first real fight. None of my boyfriends and I really...fought when we were together, I guess."

"Oh." He was silent before finally turning his head to face me. "That doesn't make me feel much better."

"I'm sorry, James." I said quietly. I wanted to tell him that he was better than her. I wanted to let him know that he deserved more. But, I knew I'd either appear bitchy or seem like I had ulterior motives (which, I suppose I did). So, I said nothing.

"No need to apologize. It's not your fault, Lily. It's hers. Or mine. I don't know anymore." I felt so badly for him, but I didn't know what to do. I finally opted for holding his hand. He smiled at our entwined hands, but it was short lived. "She was not very into the date tonight, so to speak." I looked up from our hands into his tired face, surprised that he was actually talking about her. He never discussed Haley with me, ever. "She seemed distracted or something. It was an expensive dinner, and I wanted her to be happy. I could tell that she was annoyed, so I left for a few minutes to see if the chef could make her favorite dessert. When I came back, Michael from Hufflepuff (you know, the one that graduated last year?) was sitting in my seat. She looked a lot more enamored with him than she had with me. I watched them for a second, mostly because I wanted to see what was going on. It didn't take long to see her flirting. I got angry and I went and made him leave, and which point she got really pissed off. I guess I shouldn't have done that." He looked down at my bedspread, like he was ashamed. It made me angrier than was appropriate, so I continued to keep my mouth shut. "Anyway, she started making a scene. She started yelling at me that I was cheating on her with _you_, and that I had no right to complain that she was just talking to another guy. I got understandably upset, telling her that there was never, and would never, be anything at all romantic between us." I tried to discreetly hide my now misty eyes from him. I forced myself to listen to him and not my own aching ego and heart, because this was his time. He earned that much from me. "Then it got ugly. She started calling you and I both a lot of vile names. I couldn't let her get away with that, so I of course defended you and myself. At that point, she stormed off. I don't where she went." I took a deep breath, steadied myself, cleared my face, and looked up at him. He looked so upset and tired. I wished I could do something, _anything, _to make it hurt less. But I was powerless.

"Well, thank you for defending me." It was the lamest thing I probably could have ever said, but it also seemed the safest.

"Of course. I couldn't do anything different." Had my hope not been completely pulverized not a minute earlier, this may have excited me.

"Do you want me to talk to her? You know, to explain that there is nothing between us?" That was about the last thing I ever wanted to do, but he deserved it. And, if I was being honest, there was nothing between us. He had made perfectly clear that our relationship was, and would stay, platonic.

"No, no. You don't have to do that. You don't have to do anything. I just felt like talking to someone who wasn't full of advice."

"I take it that you went and saw the other Marauders, then?"

"Yes, that's where I was before coming here. They all tried to convince me to dump her. I didn't want their advice, I just wanted them to listen."

"I understand." I said, but I truly agreed with the boys.

"Oh well. I'm sorry for waking you up."

"Don't apologize, James. I'm always here to talk." He smiled at me, and took a deep breath.

"Do you ever feel powerless when all you want is to feel powerful?" He asked, his voice a little shaky. I moved over on my bed so I was lying next to him, instead of facing him. I looked at my feet as I replied, feeling more vulnerable than the situation really dictated.

"All the time." We started to talk about graduating, and our fears at entering the adult world in the midst of the war. He told me all I already suspected about him—that he wanted to fight, and was willing (but terrified) to lay down his life for the cause. We talked of death, yet somehow I felt more alive than I had in weeks. He just made me feel whole, and unalone. Our conversation didn't end until dawn began peeking through my window.

"James, maybe you should go and try to get some sleep."

"It's a Sunday. No classes, so no need. We can keep talking." He replied, his voice beat and word's slurred with exhaustion.

"Exactly. There's no classes, so you can sleep in for a while, and maybe even be okay for the day. But we should probably go to bed now."

"Maybe you're right." He mumbled. I gave him a few seconds, but he continued to stay stationary on my bed, eyes closed.

"James? You're not moving." The slight chuckle that arose for him was the only sign of consciousness.

"Can I just stay here? I don't want to move. So tired." James said quietly. My heart skipped a beat. I looked down at him, and he did look completely out of it. His eyes were closed and he was sprawled out across my bed. It was not like anything would happen if we laid in the same bed. We would both _just sleep. _Or, if I really wanted, I could always sleep on the couch.

"Lily. Did you hear me?" James said, his eyes still closed.

"Yeah James." I was extremely tempted to say yes, but boundaries were boundaries no matter the time of day. People could get the wrong idea, and it was probably unwise to tempt my self control, even if I was on the verge of collapse. "I think you better go." With a little prodding, I got him off mine and into his own bed, where he immediately fell asleep fully clothed and on top of the covers. I smiled slightly as I turned off the light to his room. Perhaps I could never love him the way I wanted to, but it was I that he came to in the middle of the night. That had to count for something.


	8. Week Eleven (Lily)

**Location: Gryffindor Common Room and Hogsmeade**

**WEEK ELEVEN of 7th YEAR**

Things went relativity back to normal after that. While he and I remained fine, his relationship with Haley seemed to be on thin ice. They were still technically together, but they spent more time in brooding silence than actual conversation. I tried to suppress my glee for his sake, but I couldn't always contain my smile. If he noticed, he never mentioned it. Sirius, however, did notice, and partook of my glee in James's absence. We spent most of our time together abusing Haley and pleading with the gods for James's singledom. Remus never was an active member of our conversations, but I could tell that he never disagreed. We were all curious to see how the next Saturday would go, as it was a Hogsmeade trip. It seemed like it might determine the fate of their relationship.

That week went by unexpectedly quickly, and soon the Hogsmeade date was upon me. I realized that Friday night that I never secured anyone to go with. Most of my friends had dates, but I managed to guilt my friend Alice into agreeing to let me third wheel her date with her long term boyfriend, Frank. When I came down to meet them, I was rather embarrassed to see how nice both of them looked. I had attempted to dress up a little (my motivation had absolutely nothing to do with the possibility of running into James at Hogsmeade. None.), but I felt woefully undesirable. This feeling was heightened by the lengthy kiss that Frank greeted Alice with. I pointedly looked away until they had finished.

"Hi, Lily." Frank finally greeted me, sounding a little breathless.

"Hey, Frank. Nice to see you." I wasn't sure if I was sincere or not.

"You as well. Sorry about that. I sort of forgot that you were coming. We'll keep the PDA down today."

"Don't do it on my behalf." He gave me a weird look, and I hurried to explain myself. "Not that I want to see it or anything, but I figure that the least I can do is put up with it. After all, I am the one who hijacked your date and am awkwardly third wheeling."

"Nonsense. It's always great to have you." I was about to thank him when a sight behind him stopped me. It was Haley, and she was hanging off the arm of some 6th year Gryffindor. My jaw actually dropped as I stared at her.

"What is it Lily?" Alice asked when she noticed my distraction.

"Haley's cheating on James." Alice gave me a strange look and turned to see. "See?" I said, pointing. After a quick glance, Frank turned back to me with a puzzled glance.

"She's not cheating. James and her broke up this morning. Surely he told you?" Frank said. This news was not unwelcome by any means, but surprising nonetheless.

"Um, no, he didn't mention it. But I haven't actually seen that much of him today. In fact," I said, frowning. "I don't think I've seen him at all today. I guess that could be why."

"That'd probably be why." Alice said. I was a little hurt that James didn't talk to me about his break up, but I decided to let it slide. I didn't want anything to destroy my now buoyant mood.

Lo and behold, not an hour later, my mood was completely destroyed. I had walked into the Hog's Head completely happy and enjoying my day, when I had happened to glance at the back of the room. Along with Remus and Sirius was James, who just so happened to be sitting closely with an attractive blonde (A 5th year Gryffindor, I believe?). My heart caught in my throat, and I stood unmoving for several seconds. A man bumped into my shoulder, breaking my reverie. I tried to calm myself. There was a good chance that they were just going as friends (doubtful. I had barely ever seen James talk to her before. Plus, if he wanted to go with a friend, why hadn't he just gone with Sirius or me?) Possibly they were there for something other than social interactions (like what, studying? They didn't have to do that on our only day off). She was possibly there with Sirius, and not James (actually, likely. It seemed improbable that James would want a date after just breaking up with his girlfriend. Sirius, while not exactly a casanova, did often bring a girl with him to the town). When I found myself sufficiently calm and normal, I ordered Alice, Frank, and I all some butterbeers. I sat there alone for a few minutes before Frank and Alice finally made their way over to me. They had wanted to go buy some new quills, and I volunteered to buy drinks in their absence. I had a sneaking suspicion that they had just wanted to ditch me to snog, which was heightened by their lack of shopping bags. I decided not to mention it, if only to not to hear their awkward excuses.

"Hi guys." I greeted them. "Find what you wanted?"

"Oh yes." said Frank. He and Alice shared a glance, which I chose to ignore.

"Here are your drinks." I handed them over, which they accepted with thanks. They both sat down next to me.

"What have you been doing for the past ten minutes?" Frank asked, sipping his butterbeer.

"People watching, for the most part. Sirius apparently has a new girlfriend." I said, pointing over to him with my bottle. Frank and Alice both looked around me.

"Oh, no, she's with James." I almost spit up my drink, which caused it to become lodged in my throat. After a few embarrassing coughs, I managed to say

"What? He and Haley just broke up!"

"I know; I think it's a rebound or something. I heard him agree to go with her. Whatever. I'm sure it won't last." I nodded, trying to look normal. Alice gave me a sympathizing look. She was always unnervingly perceptive. I was about to suggest leaving when I heard a voice call my name. I turned my head to see Sirius waving me over. My body went on edge; that table was about the last place I wanted to be at the moment. But I sucked it up, asked Alice to excuse me, and walked over to their table.

"Sirius, Remus." I quickly glanced at James, hoping that ignoring him would help me forget that he had a date.

"Hey, Lily. Do you want to join us?" Remus asked.

"Oh no," I quickly replied. "I'm with Alice and Frank."

"I think they can part ways with you for few minutes." Sirius said.

"No, I agreed to spend the day with them. They'd be upset if I didn't." I turn to point at them, but to my upmost disappointment, they decided that my absence was a good time to begin snogging. I turned back to the table in defeat.

"Yeah. Right. They look devastated." Sirius snickered at me. I rolled my eyes.

"Move over, airhead." I pushed myself in next to Sirius, which unfortunately had me facing exactly opposite James. I knew I couldn't ignore him any longer; it'd be rude. "James. How are you today?"

"I'm actually doing really well." His answer surprised me into finally meet his eyes. They looked full, happy, and most of all, at peace.

"I'm glad to hear it." I swallowed the golf ball sized lump in my throat and turned to the blonde. "I'm sorry, but I don't think I know your name?"

"I'm Lindsey. Pleasure to meet you, Lily. I've heard a lot about you." I smiled at her, refusing to let my jealously develop into rudeness.

"If your information is from Sirius, don't believe it. Remus and James are more reliable sources, though James has been known to embellish stories a bit."

"Not fair!" Sirius exclaimed. James laughed. "Why am I an untrustworthy source?"

"You told Melissa McConnor that I hexed you into a goat for pulling my hair, you prat! She wouldn't come near me for months!" All three Marauder's broke into grins, while Lindsey genuinely laughed.

"You sure are funny, Sirius." Lindsey said. I stared at her, a little confused. That seemed like an extremely awkward way of flirting, which was rude to James. James, for one, didn't seem altogether bothered. He seemed more amused, as did Remus. Sirius, for his part, looked a bit uncomfortable.

"Thanks." Before things could get more awkward, James looked over at me.

"Hey Lily, could I talk to you for a minute?" My stupid heart skipped a beat. I cursed my own inability to control my emotions.

"Of course." Sirius, unamused at being ditched, gave James a withering look as we left the table. I followed James as he left the bar and walked outside. It was lightly snowing.

"What's up, James? Did you just want a change of scenery?"

"That, and I wanted to give Lindsey a chance to pester Sirius. And I wanted to talk to you." This seemed a rather odd response to me. I was getting the feeling that I was missing something.

"Why would you want your date to bother Sirius?" James gave me a surprised look.

"She's not my date. Okay, well, I guess she sort of is." That didn't help my confusion. James hurried to explain. "She asked if she could come with me so she could try to get with Sirius. Who was I to deny her? It's not like Remus would have agreed if I hadn't. She was too shy to directly ask Sirius, which is what I advised her to do. I felt like it was my duty as a best friend to give every possible future marriage partner a chance." I laughed at this, which was partly due to relief.

"Well, I'm glad to hear it." I didn't specify what I was glad to hear, and James didn't ask.

"Anyway Lily. I also wanted to talk to you. You know, in the quiet."

"In the cold?" I jokingly asked, slightly shivering.

"In the private." He clarified further. I suddenly froze still, unsure of where this conversation was heading. He was silent for longer than I deemed appropriate, but I didn't know how to start him talking. Finally, he just blurted out

"Haley and I broke up."

"I know. Frank told me. I'm sorry."

"Don't be." He said, looking straight at me. I couldn't quite meet his eyes.

"Why not?"

"Lily. I have something to ask you, and I want you to be honest." He sounded extremely serious, and more nervous than I usually heard from his voice.

"Okay." I said apprehensively, quite sure that I was not going to be completely honest.

"Have your feelings changed towards me since last year?" My throat caught, and I couldn't get any words out. While a simple question, it seemed loaded. I ended up silently staring at him, looking like a deer caught in headlights. He saw my expression and cursed, running a hand through his hair.

"Okay, bad question to start with." I quickly snapped out of it, and answered him quickly.

"Of course my feelings have changed. We were barely friends last year. We're much closer now." All true, all answering the surface of his question. There was no need to lie if I didn't have to.

"Right, stupid question. Okay, maybe I should start by apologizing for Haley." Of all the things he could have said, that surprised me more than anything else ever could have.

"What do you mean by that?" I asked, completely taken aback.

"She was a bitch all the time. You had to put up with her, as did Sirius and Remus. And you never complained, at least not to me. Even Remus had a couple of comments lately. But you were always there, supporting me, even when it was obvious that we were the worst matched pair in Hogwart's history." I smiled up at him, feeling less on edge, though still a little anxious.

"I never thought it my place to lecture you about your love life." I said.

"Do you want it to be your place?" He again forced me into silence. I had no idea what he meant by that, but I was sure it was a dangerous question. "What I mean is...Well. I meant...It's... God damn it!" He suddenly cursed. "When did this get so hard?"

"Just say what you want to say, James." I said. I was starting to feel hopeful, which worried and excited me.

"I can't. I can't say what I want to, because if you don't like what I have to say, then I have to live with what I said and I can't take it back. You know?" I was fairly sure I understood what he meant, despite the awkward wording. I still optioned to remain silent. "Lily, have you..." He stopped once again.

"Look, James, just say it. Please. The anticipation is killing me."

"Killing you?" James muttered. I rolled my eyes.

"Look, James, if I don't give you the response you want or whatever, or if you regret what say whatever, or you know...whatever, I give you permission to obliviate my memory." He stopped his minor pacing to stare at me. "I trust you to do it correctly."

"I'm not going to do that, Lily."

"Then please get out with it. You're giving me too much hope, and I'm dizzy, and I am not sure I can stand this feeling in my stomach, so just _say it._" I didn't intentionally say any of that, but before I could completely regret my words, their meaning hit James. His face changed from irresolute and slightly panicked to calm and determined.

"Lily, is it possible that you may return, or could possibly someday return, my non platonic feelings towards you?" It took a moment for his words to sink in. My body understood before my brain did, as I felt my stomach flip several times, and felt rather woozy. In that moment, his face turned from confident to unsure again. Before he could take back his words, I regained bodily movement. I stepped towards him, and took his hand. I looked up into his eager eyes, and said the only words that came to mind.

"Entirely, completely, totally possible." I said. As his face broke into a smile, and as his lips finally met mine, only one thought was on my mind. I was finally where I belonged: with him.


	9. Week Five (James)

Hi again.

First off, thanks for all the positive reception. It really does mean a lot to me.

Secondly, I realized that the original fic did have an extra chapter with James's point of view on the whole thing. While a little cliché, I did want to keep the same format (or, I just really enjoyed writing this story and didn't really want to give up on it quite yet). So, here will be all of those chapters from James's point of view. I hope you guys like it. I've tried to give him a bit of a different 'voice' than Lily, and a bit of a different perception of events. Let me know what you think. Thanks for reading.

* * *

**Location: Gryffindor Common Room**

**WEEK FIVE of 7th YEAR**

Usually, I'm a fairly tolerant person.

I tried to not explode at the midget first years. I'd been working on not hexing the second years that never seemed to shut their traps. I even had knocked down my Slytherin duels to two a month! My efforts had not gone unnoticed, to my disappointment, as I had been praised by both Dumbledore and McGonagall for my efforts. It seemed my days of 'awesome bad boy Marauder' were at an end. And, for the most part, I didn't really care. The more I thought about my younger years, the more ashamed I became. The intolerance, the superiority complex. I'm not proud of any of it. So, to combat my fairly indecent past, I've tried on upping my 'good kid' levels. And, this includes patience, which, normally, isn't really an issue.

But, on this particular day, I was about worn thin. My girlfriend (Haley) had been sitting across from me for about twenty minutes, whining and complaining about some compliment I gave her. It didn't even really remember what I said, but I remembered saying it for the sole purpose of not offending her. While she was pretty, Haley was rather high maintenance. I understood that she had been hurt by undeserving and false intentioned boys in the past, so most of the time I let these rants slip by.

Most of the time.

But MERLIN.

She was just going _on and on and on and on _about it. I had already apologized about six times, though I wasn't really sure what for. She just kept rambling about how I 'didn't truly appreciate her efforts at seducing me' and how I 'undervalued her' as a person, and how I was 'letting our differences cause a rift in our relationship.' That last one I truly did not understand. We were very different people; that much was true. She was a Ravenclaw, and I was a Gryffindor. She valued schoolwork a good deal more than I. She was a part of a different group of friends. She also took relationships a lot more seriously than I had in the past. Before, I am embarrassed to admit, I was never a good boyfriend. I found a girl I sort of liked, and used her. I was never thoughtful or charming. But I hated being single, so I kept having girlfriends. Even when they made it clear that they did not want to be with me, I tried to hold them in the relationship for my own personal indulgences. This is a terrible trait, and I was trying to redeem myself with Haley. I wanted to make it work, and I wanted to make it work for the right reasons. And while we might not have seemed like a conventional couple, I liked us for our differences. She was totally different from me, and it allowed for a unique perspective and a variety of discussion topics. She didn't take shit from me like so many of my other girlfriends did. She'd call me out if I was not treating her right, which is exactly what I needed. I needed to know what is normal boyfriend behavior, so I could someday become the one I am supposed to be.

But, I felt like she was being completely unfair today. What I said was a compliment, and she was taking it far too personally. I always tried my best to appease her, and do what she wanted, because I felt like that's what boyfriends were supposed to do. But she seemed to ask a lot of me, and hadn't given me a ton in return. She monopolized my time. While I don't mind hanging out with my girlfriend a lot, I didn't think it'd come to her separating me from them during class and at lunch. The separating during class was unwelcome, but not totally surprising. She asked to be my partner in _every _class, and would not take no for an answer. Transfiguration with Sirius, Charms with Remus, and Potions with Lily were all gone. I would have been okay (not happy, but okay) with this if it wasn't for lunch. She basically forced me not to sit with my friends anymore. Granted, she tried to give it a try, and Sirius was a total dick to her. I understood her stance, as I wanted to slap Sirius across the face as well (Like, seriously mate? My first real relationship in a year and you act like she's a death eater or something?). Even Remus was surprisingly cool a few times. I remember one particular instance when she tried to talk with him about a lecture of McGonagall's, and he told her she was completely wrong in her summation. She went a little bat shit crazy on him, but that was the same day she had received a T in Charms, and I knew she was a little emotionally fragile, so I let it slide without talking to her about it. But, even with this, I hated sitting without them. I really missed hearing Lily's anecdotes, and Remus's dry humor, and Sirius's terrible manners. They were my friends, and I missed them. It never helped that those three moved where they were always in full view across the table. They looked like they were getting on famously, while Haley constantly was upset about the amount of syrup that the house elves put on her waffles (eventually, she actually made a spell that sucked up excess syrup. It amused me endlessly that she put that much effort into her waffles, but I couldn't help how impressed I was that she actually made her own spell).

So, Haley and I had been through some ups and downs. I honestly did like her, and was learning a lot about being a proper boyfriend. She was (at least in the beginning) extremely, just, **NICE**, to me. She actually _liked _me, like, really _liked _me. This was a never ending source of amazement for me. I always attracted girls, but it was usually in a celebrity type way. Few actually wanted to date me for me (which, looking back, I can't say I am surprised at). But after how many times I had been hurt, played, and...rejected, it was extremely nice to hear the word 'yes' fall from a girl's lips. And she had very nice lips. I know you probably could care less, but she was extremely attractive, which really didn't hurt anything. We got along, and it worked.

Well. It used to work. Anymore, we seemed to fight nonstop. She exasperated me. She misinterpreted everything I said for the worst, and then demanded that I apologized. I wouldn't have minded, except for the frequency of these fights. I sometimes felt like she just liked hearing the words 'I'm sorry.' I don't mind admitting when I'm wrong, but I actually would like to be in the wrong if I'm saying it. She got so offended by my jokes, which was surprising. She knew when she started dating me my sense of humor, but it was like she had completely forgot the way I function. She picked a fight about something I said, and then we hash it out until I apologize, we kiss, and make up.

This particular time, she was fighting tears as she explained how I wounded her deeply. I felt a little bit like a dick as I let my mind wander, but it had happened so many times, I couldn't really help it.

"JAMES! Are you _listening _to me?" Haley snapped, forcing me back into the conversation.

"Yes, I'm listening. And for the hundredth time, you looked pretty today, and yesterday, and every other day. I didn't mean it like that."

"But you did. Maybe you're not aware that you did, but inside, you don't think I'm attractive enough for you. Which means you think of women as objects. I just can't be treated like that, James. I need to be appreciated."

"I appreciate you, Haley." I said, with a uncamouflaged hint of annoyance and boredom.

"If you're not going to take me seriously, I don't think I can continue this conversation."

"Come on, Haley. You know I didn't mean to offend you."

"No, I suppose you didn't. But you did, and you can't even sincerely apologize. You hurt me, and you can't lower yourself enough to really apologize. I'm going to the lake. Come if you want to make up." She rose from her chair, and began to stalk out.

"Haley!" I called to her. She ignored me. I sighed heavily. I supposed I ought to have immediately followed her out, but, at that moment, I was sick of chasing her around. I looked around the common room, and saw Lily and Sirius engaged in a lively discussion. I wondered momentarily when they became such good friends. I hadn't really noticed that happening. It was probably at all the lunches I didn't attend with them.

With that slightly self-pitying thought, I decided to catch up with them. They were oblivious to my entrance, and I even heard Sirius mention my name.

"James will do what?" I said, repeating Sirius's last sentence. They both jumped perceptibly before grinning at me. I took a seat across from Sirius, and repeated my question.

"Hey, James. How are you?" I narrowed my eyes at Lily's obvious evasion of the question. People hated being caught in the act of gossiping. I decided to let it go for her sake. She absolutely hated awkward situations.

"I just can't win." I said, surprising even myself with my depressed tone. I guess my pity party had manifested itself into my conversation. That probably wasn't a good sign.

"Let's get your mind off it. How about a game of chess? A trip to the kitchens?" Lily said. I smiled slightly at her. No matter the situation, Lily would always try to make it seem better. If the world was overrun by lobsters and we were all forced to be the slaves of the crustations, she would find a way to focus my attention elsewhere, and make it seem like a fine situation.

"No, I had better go after her. She's probably already halfway to the lake." I was already feeling guilty for not following; I usually immediately did, and we made up quite quickly. She was probably already thinking that I was angrier than I was, which wouldn't be good. She always cried when she thought I was angry with her.

"Prongs, maybe you should let her blow off some steam." Sirius said.

"No, I should apologize." Like I would take relationship advice from Sirius, the want-to-be-killer of all my potential relationships.

"For _what?_ What exactly did you do wrong?" Sirius demanded. I was used to him trying to control my relationships, but that didn't mean he understood them.

"I did offend her. She's my girlfriend, and it's my job to make her feel special, not hurt." I said it partly because it was true, and partly because I truly wanted to piss Sirius off for meddling. I got up, nodded to Lily, and ignored Sirius. He was my best friend, don't get me wrong. I'll love the idiot no matter what he says or does to me. But sometimes, he was a little much.


	10. Week Six (James)

**Location: Heads' Dorm Common Room**

**WEEK SIX of 7th YEAR**

I love Quidditch.

It makes me happier than almost anything else in the world. I don't love it because of the cliches, like feeling the wind in my face, or winning the cup. Though, don't get me wrong, I do love that about the sport. But what I really love is the abandoning of my mind. I can concentrate solely on it, and it allows for a freedom of thought and mind that I cannot get anywhere else. Afterwards, I always feel so free of my problems. The empty canvas my mind becomes stays with me after my feet hit the earth, and it stays with me long after I finish games. With homework, Head duties, personal problems, friend problems, and the ever looming war, it always felt so _damn good _to just ignore it for a while.

This particular night I was finishing up an exceptional practice. I felt buoyant and confident, and was in an uncharacteristically (of late) good mood. When I walked into the head dorms, I caught sight of Lily working on what I assumed to be homework. She was softly humming, but she turned when she heard me come in. I smiled widely at her, and walked over to her table.

"Hey, James!" She greeted me. "How was practice?"

"Good. How has your night been?" I asked, sitting in an comfortable sofa seat parallel to her.

"It's been fine." She gave me an odd look, which I didn't really understand. "Since when is practice ever 'good'? Normally it's a twenty minute long speech about prospects, and chances, etc." I doubted she'd notice if I left out my usual rant. And even if she did, I didn't think she'd comment.

"Ah, I have been recently informed that girls' do not indeed care what my Quidditch team has been trying at a practice." Haley had snapped that to me the night before, along with a few other choice words I purposefully did not tell Lily. Haley despised Quidditch, and therefore all talk of it. "I will spare you." I already had my girlfriend bored to death of me, so there was no reason to torture my best girl friend as well.

"James, seriously, you can talk about it." I hadn't been expecting that.

"I don't want to bore you."

"James. Tell me about practice." She insisted.

"You're just being nice. It really isn't necessary." Lily was always sacrificing her own enjoyment for others.

"James, I want to know. It's important to you, and thus, it is important to me. Go. Talk." I couldn't help but smile at her insistence. While I knew she wasn't really interested, it meant a lot that she would pretend to.

"Thanks, Lily. Okay, so, Sirius came by and, instead of helping me, decided to accio all the snitches in the entire place. He, of course, caught as many as possible. They have a touch memory, you see, and so Sirius basically ruined a good 25 snitches. I yelled at him to clean it all up and get out, and by then, all of the team was already in the air. Then..." I continued on like this, narrating the entire practice, for far longer than I intended. I just couldn't seem to shut my mouth. That was always a problem where Lily was concerned, anyway. After about a half hour, I realized that she had a slightly glazed expression. I immediately shut my mouth and abruptly changed the subject. She was being nice to me; no need to torture her. "Anyway, what have you been up to?" I asked.

"I was just writing McGonagall's essay and listening to the radio." She said. "Nothing exciting, I assure you." Her slight frown at the mention of the essay reminded me of her trouble with writing. Lily had many talents, but bullshitting for a grade was not one of them.

"Do you want me to take a look at your essay?" I offered. It would've probably taken her the rest of the night, but for me, it'd be done in a solid twenty minutes. If I got it done for her, I could probably talk her into hanging out of the rest of the night.

"Yes, PLEASE." She said, enthusiasm radiating from her. I jumped up from my chair and leaned over her to read her essay. I ignored the slight turn in my stomach that came from being so physically close. There was no reason to dwell on the impossible. I started to read her essay, which was better than I anticipated. No matter how hard she struggled, Lily could not do subpar work. It wasn't in her nature. Despite this, I said to her, grimly

"Lily, you're going to have to start all over." I couldn't resist teasing her.

"What? Please, no." She said, frantically. I tried to keep a straight face, but I knew my eyes gave me away. I laughed as she lightly hit my shoulder.

"Idiot. You had me worried. I've worked on this for hours."

"Sorry, I couldn't resist. It's actually fine. You really just need a conclusion, which I'd be happy to write for you and transfigure into your handwriting." This was not my first time in bending the rules.

"You would do that?" She sounded so grateful; I couldn't help but smile.

"You listened to me talk about Quidditch for thirty minutes. I'd do anything for you." While true, I didn't really mean to say that last part. It seemed to go right over her head, though, as her next comment was about responsibility.

"As head students, we really shouldn't be cheating, you know."

"You don't want the help?"

"Did I say that?" I laughed and took the quill from her hand. She was a strict enforcer of the rules, unless they conflicted with what she wanted to do. While normally not a admirable trait, she had a flair that pulled it off. I suppose it was the same flair that got me only a slap on the wrist for all my wrongdoings over the years.

As I wrote the essay, I became aware that the radio was on. She had mentioned it, of course, but I had paid it no mind. But the band playing was my favorite. She couldn't like them, could she?

"Do you like this band?" I asked. Her head snapped back a little. I obviously had caught her lost in her thoughts. She took a second before replying.

"I have no idea. I've never heard them." Disappointing, but there was still a chance she liked them. I was determined to find a girl with good taste in music, and I'd be damned if Lily wasn't going to be the one.

"Well, what do you think of this song?" I pushed. She listened for a few seconds longer than my patience allowed, but she finally gave me the reply I was looking for.

"I like it a lot. Why?"

"It's my favorite band." And I had _finally _found someone who liked them. Sirius and Haley could sod off.

"Really? They're great! Have you ever seen them in person?" My smile left immediately, but I tried to hide it. Two years prior, I had planned on going when they were near my hometown. But that night, Sirius had shown up at my house, bloodied, battered, and ready to commit murder. I eventually talked him down from his anger, and got to the source of the problem. That was the first and last time I ever saw Sirius cry. The memory was not a pleasant one.

"Nah. I was going to, but Sirius needed me that day, so I had to skip it." I hoped she'd let it die, and I wasn't disappointed.

"I'm sure you'll get a chance to see them again. They must be popular." She began drumming on the table in beat with the tune, which made her ink splatter everywhere. She ignored it, which made me smile. Remus would have had a ministroke about the mess. I looked down at her essay, and noticed that ink had landed all over it, but she didn't seem to mind. Lily was nothing if not easy going.

"I'm glad you like them. Haley hates them. She's says they're too loud." She snorted, which made me look up from her paper. I arched an eyebrow at her.

"Seriously? It's not like they're screaming or anything. What does she like, love ballads?" The derision in her tone had me biting back a smile.

"Yeah. I sometimes seriously question why we're together." I quipped. Out loud, I laughed along with Lily. Inwardly, I was wondering how much I was truly joking.


	11. Week Seven (James)

**Location: Quidditch Pitch and Gryffindor Common Room**

**WEEK SEVEN of 7th YEAR**

I was slightly worried.

After the whole ordeal of helping Lily with her essay, talking for a good three hours, and having her actually listen to me, I came to a conclusion.

I liked her better than Haley. Now, I should say that I wasn't overly shocked by this. Haley and I had been a little rocky for weeks. Even at our best, we didn't really know each other all that well. We got together because it would be mutually beneficial, and we both sort of liked the other person. As our relationship continued, I realized that there wasn't really a lot of chemistry or compatibility between us. I was determined to keep it going, but I was quite sure it wouldn't be a long term relationship.

But this discovery, while unsurprising, was unwelcome. Somehow, Lily had become one of my best friends. I suppose it was from all the time we spent together in the conjoined rooms, and for head duties. However it happened, though, we became friends, and I was glad we did. My relationship with Lily had always been extremely complicated. For years one through three, there was a mutual hatred between us. She hated me because I, well, acted like a 12 year old boy. I hated her as well, but it was less because of her personality, and more because of her company. By fourth year, I stopped letting that influence my opinion and started to see her for who she was. This was when our relationship (or lack there of, to this point) really took a nosedive. I decided to become obsessed with annoying her, for the general purpose of getting her to notice me. Brilliant idea, no? Looking back, I want to slap myself. But it seemed logical. I became an arrogant, selfish prick, and she rightly hated me for it. I was so intent on showing her my intellectual, dueling, and magical capabilities, that I became ruthless and obnoxious. This behavior of mine reached its apex at the end of fifth year. After that, I took a good, long, hard look at my personality. I was appalled at the truth I found. Throughout the summer, I tried to fix my personality, much to Sirius's dismay. He sort of understood what I was saying, but he was much less desiring to change. Finally, when September 1st rolled around, I was alright with who I was. Not thrilled, and not disgusted, just alright. All that year I continually worked to become better, and I was thrilled when Lily noticed. We became tentative friends throughout that year, and I praised Merlin every day that she had such a large capacity for forgiveness. Our friendship continued, and I was very firm with myself that I would not let myself fall for her. Part of the reason she hated me before was that I had a crush on her. If I let that continue, I would just embarrass her and remind her of the old days. I had to be over her. I had no choice. This was Lily we were talking about.

But that was the problem now. This was Lily. I loved her back when she hated me. Now that she was acting like my friend, treating me like a person, and being with me, I had no chance. I was going to fall. If I'm going to be honest, I already had a long time ago.  
Back then, I loved her superficially. I think I understood that I could love her, like, super proper love her, but I didn't know how. Now that I was older, I saw what some part deep inside of me had seen before. She was intelligent, and witty. She was vivacious and had a real zeal for life. But most importantly, she was compassionate and completely willing to give up everything for others. In a time of war, that was something to be respected on the highest level. It was a trait Remus possessed to the highest degree. Sirius, through all his faults, was also loyal as a hound. She had courage, and a fight inside her that stemmed from a loving of people. And I loved her for it.

And it was okay that I loved her. I loved a lot of people. I loved my parents, and Sirius, and Remus, and even eventually all the teachers. Loving wasn't a problem. It was the whole, 'I liked her and I loved her' thing. And the fact that I liked her and loved her more than my girlfriend.

It was just...there was so much history between Lily and I. There was so much that we could talk about; we had so much in common. There was a long time compatibility and understanding that we had, that I would never be able to have with Haley. She also liked my friends, which was a huge plus.

Normally, I would immediately break up with my girlfriend if I realized I liked another girl. But this was Lily. Breaking up with Haley would have no real purpose. Lily had made it extremely clear many, many times that she would never, ever, want anything romantic to do with me. If I broke up with Haley, it wouldn't before for Lily. It would never be for Lily, because I could never have her. It would be utterly pointless. So, with this illuminating moment came the realization that I would be pining my way through seventh year, which wasn't optimal at all. I didn't want to spend the entire year with unrequited love. So, I made a plan. I would continue to date Haley, and put all of my energy into being a good boyfriend. I would refuse to acknowledge my feelings, and force my feelings into Haley.

I wasn't all that optimistic about this plan (because, even as I made it, I realized it was stupid and impossible), but I decided to put it into action right away anyway, starting with the first Quidditch match of the season. It was against Slytherin, and it was extremely important that we win. I was feeling slightly nervous, but that usually just put my nerves on alert, which wasn't a bad thing. I was on my way over to the Gryffindor common room to meet up with Haley before the game, in a rather pathetic effort to embrace her as my girlfriend instead of let her slip on by. On my way, I ran into Lily. She smiled at me as we fell into step.

"Hey, James. Ready to win?" She asked.

"Hi Lily. Yes, of course. I always am." I tried to sound confident, but I was sure she didn't quite buy it. I decided to change the topic. "Why are you headed this way?"

"To see if Sirius has left for the pitch yet. He usually hangs around the common room before games, doesn't he?"

"Yeah, he should be there." Sirius...waiting for Lily. I wondered if I should be concerned about that.

"Why are you going this way? Shouldn't you be headed down to the pitch, oh captain, my captain?" I smiled slightly at her.

"I was going to meet up with Haley first." Haley had been happy to hear about my endeavor to spend more time with her. Probably happier than I was. Definitely happier than Sirius. He actually broke a lamp when I told him.

"Oh." She was apparently out of topics, as was I, but I was happy to walk in comfortable silence. I sometimes grew slightly weary of small talk. It was several minutes before I talked again, and it was only to compliment her.

"I like your house pride." She always was spirited, but for some reason, I had never thought to compliment her. Where was my brain when I was 15?

"I'm not entirely sure if you're making fun of me or not. I'll take it as a compliment." She said, surprising me.

"As it was meant!" I said, trying to convince her. She wasn't going to misconstrue that into an insult just like Haley, right? Was that just a girl trait?

"Well, thank you, then." She said. She let it die, but I wasn't totally convinced that she believed me, which bothered me more than it should have.

"Honestly, Lily, it's awesome." I said as we walked through the portrait hole. I was watching her to gauge her expression, and by her flushed face, I was finally satisfied that she believed me. I looked forward to see Haley, who was standing in the middle of the room with a hard look on her face. I gulped and left Lily behind, ready to face my girlfriend alone.

"Hi, Haley. What's up?"

"I told you that I don't want you to be alone with her." She said in lieu of a greeting.

"And I told you that that is not only impossible due to our housing arrangement, but also ridiculous. There is nothing going on there, anyway." Nothing mutual, anyway.

"I don't like it, James."

"Well, I don't like what you're wearing." I said without thinking. By the hurt look on her face, I knew I made a mistake. Before I could apologize, she cut me off.

"This is what I was talking about before, James. I make a huge effort to look nice for you, and you don't appreciate it at all."

"I know. I'm sorry. I am. I didn't mean it to come out like that. I do appreciate you. It's just...can't you show a little house pride? I am the captain, and you don't even look like you're supporting me." She stared at me for a minute in silence. I was starting to get uncomfortable.

"Like Lily?" She said.

"What?" I asked, taken off guard.

"You want me to show house pride, like Lily? There's nothing going on there, huh?" With that, she turned around and walked out. I wasn't sure if I was to blame or not, but I was feeling a little winded and like a complete failure on my 'appreciate Haley more' venture. I turned to find Sirius, hoping for a word of encouragement before the game, but he and Lily had already left. I sighed, feeling lonely and a bit abandoned.

* * *

That feeling was completely gone about four hours later. My team had destroyed Slytherin, with a healthy tripling of their score. I had managed to score a good portion of the goals too, which I was proud of. Most of them were due to Slytherin's keeper being completely incompetent, but I still was willing to take the win. I was down on the field celebrating with my teammates when Haley came onto the field. She had changed into a Gryffindor shirt and scarf, which made me feel incredibly guilty and fond of her. As she jumped into my arms, I whispered "Thank you." She was obviously making an effort, and it meant a lot to me. She hated Quidditch, yet she sat through the entire game for me, and even had somehow found a Gryffindor shirt despite her different house. In an effort to make amends, I kept her close to me all night. She loved being showed off.

Unfortunately, this keeping close of Haley also meant the keeping away from Sirius, Remus, and Lily, as they wouldn't hang out with us both. I wanted to talk to them, but they all disappeared before I had the chance. When I saw Lily's red hair walk out the portrait hole, I was more than a little disappointed. Still and all, she wasn't my girlfriend, and it would do me no good to pretend that she was. So I stayed with my girlfriend, and pretended I was completely satisfied it was Haley.


	12. Week Eight (James)

**Location: The Great Lake and Hogwarts Castle**

**WEEK EIGHT of 7th YEAR**

* * *

"Padfoot, come on. Please, just do me this favor."

"Not going to happen, Prongs. You're my best mate, but I have my limits."

"Sirius." I said, abandoning our nicknames. Sirius raised his eyebrows at me. "I'm being serious. I'm asking you as my friend to do this for me."

"No. I've made it clear what I think of her." He said, shaking his head. I felt my temper rise a notch.

"I know, you prat, that's why I don't see you as much anymore. If you weren't so _crystal clear _about your feelings for her _all the damn time, _we would still eat together. We could all hang out together. We'd get more than just nights, mornings, and full moon outings."

"Don't lay that all on me." Sirius snapped back. "You're so busy you can barely see straight. Being Quidditch captain takes up most of your evenings. Head duties take up **all **your time in between classes. And now that you are Head Boy, you insist on actually using time **in **class, so we've stopped talking then. You moved out of the room, so we don't have late nights or early mornings. You have patrols and meetings now, which takes up a huge chunk of free time. You took NEWT level classes, so we barely have any classes together anymore. You eat lunch with _her. _You could have told her, "Hey Haley. Hell no I won't abandon my friends at lunch to eat with you." But you didn't. You let her dictate your moves. Now, I know you're trying to reform your personality. That's all well and good, buddy, but just remember, that a push over and a whipped dog is not a better version of yourself. I think you need to take responsibility for the lack of time we've spent together this year, because it is more your fault than mine." It went silent after he finished. He looked angry, but not aggressively so. He seemed more like he desperately wanted to persuade me. And, I had to admit, he had a point.

"Well," I said, breaking the oppressive silence. Sirius looked at me expectantly. "I suppose you have a point. Look, if I promise to stop letting her push me around so much, and if I invite you on some patrols, and promise that we will hang out this weekend, will you promise to try harder to like Haley?" Sirius exhaled loudly at the end of my statement.

"That's not what I was going for, mate."

"I know, but I am _not _breaking up with her. Is it a deal?" I asked.

"Why do you care what I think of her? I know you mate, and I know this won't last."

"Of course it won't." I agreed quickly. "But, she's with me now. And I am sick and tired of all of your comments about her. Because of them, she won't even hear your name. You really hurt her, you know. Girls are sensitive. You make all these snide comments about her looks and personality, and it cuts her up. She cries about it to me, sometimes. She's not as bad as you're saying. Obviously, if I spend so much time with her, there must be admirable traits about her, right? We're friends, and I know you, and I know you wouldn't hate her that much if you got to know her. She's not perfect by any means, and I am not saying you'll ever be close. But I want you two to be, at very least, acquaintances. So, please Sirius, do this for me. Please." He was silent for a beat. "If you two become friendly, we can eat meals together again." I hoped this would be a big enough enticement for him.

"What do you exactly want me to do again?" He finally asked.

"Just go up and ask to hang out for a half hour." Sirius snorted.

"She'll never agree."

"No, I've already talked to her about it. She agreed. Because she wants to make me happy." I said pointedly, hoping to guilt trip him into it.

"What would we do?" He asked, seeming exasperated and annoyed.

"Talk! Go for a walk! Practice spells! Work on homework! I don't know, Padfoot. Use your imagination." He sighed deeply.

"Only because you're my best mate, and I owe my life to you. But, just so you know, every fiber of me doesn't want to do this."

"Thanks, mate." I said sincerely, choosing to ignore the rest of his sentence. He grumbled something intelligible before turning. "Oh, and Padfoot?" He turned, looking grumpy.

"Yeah?"

"Be nice." He gave me a dark look, and stalked off. I smiled to myself as I walked off in the opposite direction. He could be a pain, but he was a good person deep down. I knew they wouldn't have an awesome time, but at least they were both making efforts.

I had a lot to do: homework, Quidditch plays to make, meetings to plan, patrols to organize, practicing to do, and a sadly ignored room that was in desperate need of cleaning. Instead of doing any of this, I took out the map and looked for Lily's dot. She was out by the lake, no doubt enjoying the sunshine. We hadn't gotten a chance to really talk in a while; we talked almost nonstop about homework and head duties, but we hadn't just chatted for weeks. I decided to go see her, and put off everything else. It could wait.

* * *

When she came in sight, I noticed she had a schoolbook beside her, but was paying it no mind. It seemed that she was feeling much like I was today—in no mood to do schoolwork.

When I came within hearing distance, I called out to her.

"Hey Lily." She smiled.

"James. Where's Sirius and or Remus?"

"They're both studying for the Potions exam." I lied. She gave me skeptical look, which I couldn't help but chuckle at. "Okay, Remus is studying, and Sirius is off with Haley." Or at least, he had better be. I should have checked the map to make sure he was on his way to meet her, and not off procrastinating. Too late now.

"Excuse me?" Lily said, sounding completely disbelieving. Her face was hilarious; it was a mixture of complete surprise and total disbelief. She apparently was quite aware of Sirius's feelings for Haley. I wasn't surprised; he hardly kept them a secret.

"No, I'm serious, actually. Sirius is spending time with Haley." I said.

"Why?" She asked, sounding baffled.

"I asked him to. I was aware of his, uh, dislike, and it bothered me. I want them to be friends. I asked him to hang out with her for like a half hour and get to know her."

"Sounds fun." She said. Lily truly was one of the most nonjudgemental person I ever met. It was one of the most admirable qualities she had.

"Good thing I don't have to worry about you or Remus on that. You two are so much more open minded." Remus too, because of his ailment, refused judgement until he was driven to it.

"Oh, well, thanks." She said, and then quickly changed the subject. She never really did know how to take a compliment. "Have you started the Charms homework?"

"Do you mean the two foot long essay?"

"Yes, that piece of slime."

"No. When is it due?" I asked.

"Tomorrow." Oh, great. I'd have to start that soon.

"I probably should have started before today." She laughed.

"I haven't started either. I've been trying, but I just can't. It's too nice out. And we're graduating in a few months. I don't know why, but I just don't feel like doing anything. I have such an itch to graduate. It's not like I actually want to get out of Hogwarts; I love it here, and will have no idea what to do with myself out of school. But...Is this making any sense?"

"Loads." I assured her. "I know what you mean. There's nothing out there that I am eager to get to. I don't want to have my own house, or job, or any of that. Especially with the war." I continued on quickly, not wanting to dampen the tone of the conversation. "And I really do love it here, and don't want it to be over. But...I just don't actually want to do anything."

She readily agreed with me. We continued to talk pleasantly for about a half hour, until I excused myself. I wanted to meet up with Sirius, and see how his half hour had gone. As I walked away, I couldn't help but think about a comment she made in passing. All she had said was that it was easy to be around me. I wasn't entirely sure what prompted her to say it. My guess was that she was mulling over how different our relationship had become. Before, it was always strained. We couldn't have a two minute conversation without me being obnoxious or her jumping down my throat. Now, we not only were able to small talk, but we could also talk about more serious matters. It really was quite the transformation. But when I agreed with her comment, that wasn't what was on my mind. I was thinking about just how _easy _it was to enjoy myself around her. It was never stressed. We could just talk and talk and talk, and if I hadn't interrupted our conversation, we probably could have gone on for several more hours. It was easy. There was no straining the make conversation. There was no trying to make ourselves sound better. There was no embellishing stories to sound cool. We could just be ourselves with each other. It was easy. And that kind of relationship—that's hard to find.

Speaking of which, as I rounded the corner, lost in my thoughts, I almost bumped straight into Sirius. I was about to apologize, before I caught sight of who I had almost plowed over.

"Hey mate." I said. The moment after I spoke, I caught the look on his face. I was instantly worried. Sirius and I had one of those relationships that I just spoke about. We could talk about everything and anything for any given amount of time. I was closer to him than anyone else. We just straight up told each other everything. There was no lying, and there was no softening of stories. We were candid. While this caused our brotherhood, it also caused many a row. And, by the look on his face, we were about to have another one.

"James." He said, his tone confirming my suspicions.

"So...How'd it go?" I asked, trying to sound optimistic.

"It was the most boring half hour of my life, and I swear, I am about a half step away from murdering you." I blinked.

"Wait. What?" I asked, confused. Boring?

"I thought I was going to melt of sheer and utter dullness. It was the most tedious thing ever. She talked about her _hair_, Prongs, for fifteen minutes. FIFTEEN MINUTES! Do I _look _like I care about the type of shampoo she uses?"

"Maybe, since you have such nice hair, she thought you cared about hair? Maybe she thought it was a topic of mutual interest?" I suggested. I sounded normal, but I was in awe. Had he actually made it through spending time with Haley alone without offending her? It was sounding like he may have. Him being bored meant that had to have sat through her talking, which means he wasn't talking, which was an extremely good thing.

"I don't care about hair, James. I don't do anything to have this 'nice' hair you speak of. I do not want to hear about hair. It was not a topic of mutual interest. After a half hour, all I really know about her interests are her hair and you."

"Me?" I said.

"Yes, you. When she wasn't discussing her perfect brunette curtain—her words—she was badgering me about your true feelings. Did you think your relationship is serious? How long did your relationships usually last? Did I think you two would make it through the Quidditch season? Just how good of friends are you with Lily? My God, James. Never again. Never." He looked severely annoyed with me, but I couldn't be further from annoyed with him.

"Mate? Padfoot?" I said.

"Yes?"

"Thank you so much. Thanks for not offending her. Thanks for keeping your mouth shut when you could have told her to shut the hell up. Thanks for not interrupting her, though I know you wanted to. Thanks for putting up with that solely for my benefit. Thanks for being nice."

"Stop getting sappy." He said, looking at his feet. While annoyed, I could see he appreciated my thankfulness. He no doubt believed he deserved it.

"Yeah, I've been getting in a habit of that. I really got to stop. Well, you know, you did kind owe it to me, after making her cry and all." He opened his mouth to retort, but I cut him off. "Anyway, let's not fight. Let's not talk about Haley. Let's go hang out." Sirius breathed deeply.

"Doing what?" He asked, sounding more relaxed.

"Your choosing." I said.

"Follow me." He said, smirking. Of course he already had an idea. I couldn't help my smile as I skipped up to his side. No matter what girl I ended up with, she would have to put up with Sirius, and that was a fact. He wasn't going anywhere.


	13. Week Nine (James)

**Location: Gryffindor Common Room**

**WEEK NINE of 7****th**** YEAR**

Haley and I had been sitting in the common room for a good two hours, discussing homework and other various topics. It was a pleasant evening; the air was full of a promise of cold times, yet it lacked the spark of chill that winter brings. She and I had been having some good conversations. I explained to her that Sirius was bored with her conversation topics, and she explained at how nervous she had been to talk to him. She really wanted to change his perception of her, for my sake, because she knew that he was my best friend. She also knew that they had almost nothing in common, and no matter what she talked about, he would have been prejudiced against her opinion.

The thing about Sirius, is that whatever he does, he doesn't do halfway. If he hates someone, he hates them with a passion. His hatred of Haley stemmed back to second year, when she accidently exploded her potion on him in Slughorn's class. He was young and immature back then, and carried a grudge. I doubt he even remembered that specific event—all he remembered was that she had done something in the past to piss him off, and he clung to that. I, who had nothing against Haley, was completely fine when we started dating. I had no past prejudices to get over. Sirius, on the other hand, wasn't thrilled with me. His reasoning was incredibly stupid, and half the reason I said yes to her was so he would see that. For about a year I had been trying to grow him up, and stop his unfair judgement on people. I thought that by showing that I didn't keep grudges, he didn't have to either. I should have known how stubborn he could be. After we all started hanging out together, he tried his best to be obnoxious to her. He gave no effort on giving her the benefit of the doubt. Haley, being a stronger personality, refused to take his comments lying down. They hurt, as she told me later, but she didn't act like it. She bit back, and Sirius could not take someone sticking up for themselves. So, his hatred became fueled even more. She really was undeserving of all his contempt. Sirius, with his influence over susceptible Remus, even managed to convince him that she was way meaner than she actually was. Apparently, he forgot that he instigated every fight they ever had.

So, you can see why she was nervous to go and talk to him. She wanted to get along with him, but she would have to be very careful about what she talked about. She purposefully picked a topic that he couldn't be opinionated about, and picked something that he couldn't really comment on. She, rather brilliantly, made a conversation where he would really have to work to start a fight, which I told him to avoid. By that topic, she was basically forcing them to be civil (Because, seriously, how worked up can someone get about hair?) And it worked—they had an entire, rather one sided, conversation. I was proud of both of them, to be honest. I had been hoping for a while that staying with Haley would force Sirius to become more open to others. He felt he had a monopoly on my company, which wasn't fair to me at all. He had gone so far as to break up some of my other relationships, and I was determined to show him that he wasn't go to do that to this one. He didn't have all the power. We were all about to graduate into a war, and I would be damned if I let him go out there with the superiority complex he clung to. He thought he could just pick how other people acted (like me, and who I dated). He thought that by sheer willpower and charm people would bend to his will. That type of mindset could get him killed out there. By staying with Haley, it would show him that he couldn't will things to be his way. Though this very unfortunately cut down the amount of time we spent together, it was for his betterment.

And I enjoyed being with her as well. I enjoyed her a lot _more_ when she was concious that our relationship wasn't serious. I told her off the bat that I doubted this would be long term. I wanted something from her (the help in reforming my personality, and the added bonus of changing a stubborn Sirius's), and she wanted something from me (a boyfriend she could show off, I assumed). While her wants changed slightly, mine stayed the same. You could say that I was using her, and I hope that you wouldn't be right. I was being selfish, and I knew it. It was just that, at the beginning, she was selfish too. Just, somewhere along the way, she started thinking long term. I was clear with her many times that this would not be long term. She seemed to think I would change my mind. I knew I should have broken up with her once I realized that I was (extremely unintentionally) leading her on, but that would be giving into Sirius, and I would be losing her company (which I really did enjoy). So I stayed with her. Selfish? Oh, yes. I hated myself for it, but I pacified my guilt with the thought that I was always frank with her. I never told her this would amount to anything. It wouldn't come as a surprise if I said it again.

I hadn't said it for about a week. We had been sitting in the Gryffindor common room for hours just talking, but it hadn't come up. We mostly were talking about homework and classmates. Haley was, aside from being academically and physically gifted, very funny. Her sense of humor was dry, and it took some getting used to. Once you understood her, she really could be a riot. I fear that I have made her come off as unhinged and angry all the time. It wasn't that way at all. The majority of the time, she was pleasant and fun. There was a reason I had said yes to her, after all. She was funny, smart, and pretty. We couldn't talk for overly long, or about anything serious. She wasn't interested in Quidditch, and I wasn't interested in fashion, so we didn't actually talk about our interests all that much. We could more just _be _together. It was comfortable. I could sit next to her while she just lived, and it was fun. Like at breakfast, when she battled with her waffles. It was just _nice_, most of the time. She was often collected and quick on her feet, and she was wicked good at dueling.

Her only real downfalls built on each other—her clingy personality, and Merlin, did that girl have a temper.

She was, plainly, clingy. She was very needy and high maintenance. To be honest, it was rather annoying from the get-go. But you can't have perfection in a girl, and I knew that. I would take neediness over cheating any day. Jealously inevitably rose from this trait, which I had often tried to talk her down from. She had been cheated on before, so I understood her wariness. But it often felt like she was untrusting. I knew it where it stemmed from, but it exasperated me still the same. And then, Merlin, her temper. She flew off the handle quickly, and with pizzaz. When she lost it, boy did she ever lose it. She yelled, screamed, made accusations, threw things, the whole chibang.

I couldn't very well completely condemn her completely for this, either. It was a trait my two best mates had in them as well. Sirius's anger was something to behold. When Haley got angry, it seemed petulant and childlike, almost like a temper tantrum. When Sirius got angry, he went into a _fury. _His 'let's torture people for fun' upbringing came out, and Merlin, did he get _scary. _He wasn't an very controlled person to start with, but when he got mad, it was a sight. Remus, on the other hand, had a different type of livid. He was normally very controlled and put together. His full on fury I had seen only once, and it had been directed at himself. I don't think he can get truly mad at others—but his self loathing knows no bounds.

Anyway, I was about to be the recipient of Haley's infamous, increasingly frequent temper once again. And this time, it was a bit deserved.

"James, I want to talk to you." Haley said, effectively ending our conversation about Filch.

"Aren't we talking now?" I replied, feeling apprehensive. We had been getting along the entire day, and this felt like an invitation for a fight.

"About something serious." She said, sounding annoyed at my rather immature response.

"Alright, lay it on me." I said, trying to sound at ease.

"It's about Lily."

"What about her?" I said uneasily.

"I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I don't like how much you two hang out. It bothers me."

"I'm sorry about that, Haley, but it really can't be helped. We live in the same room, and have the same classes. We have head duties. I couldn't avoid her even if I wanted to."

"So you don't want to?" She said, like she caught me in wrong doing.

"No. I don't want to. She's a good friend." I said, emphasizing the last word.

"Rubbish, James. I know you two talk all the time in that room of yours. I feel like whenever I'm not around, you're talking with her."

"That's not remotely true, and what would be wrong with that if it was? It's not cheating, Haley."

"Not, it's not physical cheating. But it's emotional cheating, and I won't stand for it."

"Can you just explain to me, very clearly, what you're mad at me for, and what you want me to do about it? I can't really figure it out."

"God damn Merlin, James, it doesn't take a genius. Alright, let me spell it out for you. I don't want you being alone with Lily anymore. I know you aren't physically doing anything with her, but with how much you two talk and spend time together, you're emotionally cheating. You're giving her a part of yourself: your secrets, your aspirations, your dreams, your loves, and those should be mine alone. You are around her so much, and with the way you two talk sometimes...I know you obviously like me more since you're with me, but with the way you guys get along and talk...you make me nervous. But you're with me, James, and I want you to be 100% with me or not with me at all. I will not talk this 'halvsies' stuff. You're my boyfriend, or you're hers. There is no inbetween."

"Did you say halvsies?"

"JAMES POTTER." I winced from the increased volume of her voice. "ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?" That girl did like to yell.

"Obviously, honey, or I wouldn't have been able to quote you. Now sit down, and let's talk-"

"YES, LET'S TALK ABOUT HOW I OPENED UP MY HEART TO YOU AND YOU CAN'T EVEN PAY ATTENTION TO ME, YOU LITTLE-"

"Haley, PLEASE BE QUIET. Everyone is looking. Please, just sit down."

"You never even DENIED it, you BASTARD." She said, almost screeching the last word.

"Denied WHAT?" I said, my voice rising despite my attempts at staying calm.

"DENIED EMOTIONAL CHEATING!" She said with a cry. Before I could come up with a coherent reply, she was chocking back a sob and running up the stairs. In reality, I wouldn't know what to say even if she had stayed in the room. Her accusations hit strikingly close to home; she wasn't far off with her assumptions. What would I say to her? I could deny it. I could apologize. Neither would appease her. She was up the stairs, now, though, so there was nothing to be done. It was one place I could not follow. I felt annoyed with her, but more guilty and disgusted at myself. I was completely destroying our relationship. Not singlehandedly, but I wasn't helping matters much at all. I was selfishly staying with her, and she could obviously tell my lack of interest. She deserved more.

Not wanting to bathe in self pity for the entire night, I decided to go and talk to Remus and Lily, who were sitting whispering to each other at a nearby table.

Hi, guys." I said as I walked up. I stopped by Remus's side.

"Hi James!" Remus and Lily said in unison.

"What are you two up to?" I asked. It looked as if they were best friends, thick as thieves. I wondered, not for the first nor for the last, when that had exactly happened.

"Remus was discussing what would happen if a centaur had a child with an horse animagus." Lily said, taking me highly off guard. I couldn't help but laugh. Remus was one who, though intelligent, liked to steer clear from controversial or embarrassing topics. This was highly out of character. By the redness that ensued on his face, I knew that he either: 1. Was talking of nothing of the sort, or 2. Hadn't realized the topic was so awkward, and was caught up in the academics of it.

"I never thought that'd be your choice of conversation, Moony." I said, unable to resist the urge of teasing him. I had the ulterior motive of trying to pinpoint the validity of her statement.

"Neither did I." By Remus's flushed face, it was easy to summarize that he probably hadn't been talking about anything of the sort. I wanted to rib him about the whole 'animagus' thing, and ask if the horse was an extension of myself, and if he had any centaurs we had met several times picked out for me. But Lily was sitting next to him, so I kept my mouth shut.

"Well, I'll leave you two to your conversation about horses' mating habits." I smiled, and sat down at a table near theirs. Though Lily had improved my mood exponentially with a single sentence, I wasn't really in the mood to talk. I felt drained, and still in the mood to bathe in pity. I wasn't even sure why I went over there in the first place, but I was glad I did. From my seat, I had the added bonus of being able to hear the rest of their conversation. I was rather curious if it would pick up where it left off (presumably about horses?)

"...sense to me, Remus." I heard Lily whisper after a minute or so of silence. I couldn't quite hear her.

"I don't really understand it either." I heard Remus's slightly louder voice. I had the distinct impression that he wanted me to hear his words.

"Please, try to explain it to me. You're one of his best friends. Why is he with her?" Remus sighed, shook his head, and didn't answer. I, for one, was a little ashamed and embarrassed.

"It just doesn't make sense. He's too good for her." Lily said, groaning. Remus laughed softly at her. She hid her head in her arms, so I couldn't meet her eyes. Did she really believe that? When did her opinion of me change so drastically? I knew we had been getting on a lot better, but I never thought that she actually really valued me as a human. I figured she would now put up with me, because I was tolerable now. But that's all I ever expected to be: tolerable. When did she come to see me as someone who deserves a good girlfriend? Last year, she probably would have said I deserved the giant squid. And, on that note, when did she come to see Haley negatively? She never made any comments about it. What about Haley had made her say that? Did she even really know Haley? One thing was for sure: I would never know what was going on in her mind. But, I could make a shrewd guess that, no matter her apparently changed opinion of me, she still wasn't interested on a romantic level. There were somethings that would never completely change.


	14. Week Ten (James)

I had a bit of a hard time writing this one, as I didn't want to seem repetitive with my scenes. It is from James's point of view, but you should get new material to read. I can't just put the same material out and expect you to be interested. I also had a rough time deciding where to cut this one. Because of that, this one is a bit short, but the next one should be longer. I also sort of wanted to get a move on with James's patience with Haley, as it seemed unrealistically unwavering. I hope you all like this one. I'd love some feedback on the next few.

Thanks for reading.

* * *

**Location: Heads' Common Room**

**WEEK TEN of 7th YEAR**

Lately, Haley and I had been a little rocky. She was convinced I was 'not invested in our relationship' and 'was only interested in being uncooperative and self serving'. She had, predictably, been irritable and moody all week. I was fed up with her bullshit, and seriously reconsidering our relationship. I just didn't quite seem worth it anymore. I felt like I was putting in far more than I was getting out. Everything I liked about her before was being replaced by constant bickering and complaining. We couldn't just be together anymore. It wasn't easy. She was making it difficult on me. I had always tried to be extremely considerate of her feelings (far too much, according to Sirius), and listen even when I thought she was wrong. But her incessant whining and pushing me to validate our relationship would not do. After two months, I think Sirius learned he couldn't push me around. I think she taught me how to properly treat a girl. Now that I didn't even enjoy being around her, there was no real reason to stay with her. I planned on waiting a few weeks, just to be sure, and if things didn't change, quietly and quickly ending it with her.

But there was a small little hiccup in deciding to execute this plan. It was small—it wasn't a deciding factor, but more of an unfortunate side effect. And it had to do with Lily.

See, I hadn't let myself truly, fully, and emotionally acknowledge my ever present feelings for Lily. I buried them under my relationship, and had let that preoccupy my emotions. But I was considering ditching Haley, which meant that there would be no detour towards my feelings. I mean, Merlin, this sounds so cheesy and sappy. My feelings this, my heart that, bleh. But, it was something to think about. I really didn't want to spend the rest of the year in heartache. I didn't want to go back to unrequited love. It sucks.

These types of thoughts had been occupying my mind for a good week. Lily was on my mind so much that, when I saw her, I felt like I was twelve again. I got all fumbled and nervous, and started acting stupid. The buried feelings had arisen again. It made me feel like I was an idiot (seriously, now, I was 17. Shouldn't I have been over this behavior?). That is why I made the date with Haley in Hogsmeade. I just wanted to make the nervous, little boy feelings go away. I was going to try to cover them up with Haley, as I had done for the past few months. I was also hoping that maybe, with a nice, pleasant date, Haley and I may get back on track. I wasn't confident in any of this working. When I came out of my room (ready for my date), I was confident none of it was going to work. Lily was sitting on the couch, doing homework. She was dressed appropriately and comfortably, and, to me, looked undeniably tousled and sexy. My heartbeat jumped, my palms started to sweat, and I lost speech and cognition. She, thankfully, greeted me first, which helped snap me back to normal.

"Hi James. What are you up to?" She said.

"I have a date, as you can probably guess." I nervously started adjusting my clothing, all the while cursing my awkwardness. My denial over the past few months allowed me to be normal with Lily—friends, even— but now I was feeling exactly like I had been acting for the past two years—like an idiot.

"You look nice. Where are you going?" She said. I knew this was one of those moments where she was just being kind. I was dressed in muggle clothing, and I wasn't even sure if I had the tie on right. I was probably venturing much closer to ridiculous than handsome.

"Something a little ways from Hogsmeade. I got special permission, being the head boy and all." She nodded in understanding. It hadn't been hard to persuade Dumbledore (I had purposely went over the head of McGonagall. She wasn't quite as trusting of me as the old man).

"Why aren't you hanging out with Mary or Sirius tonight?" I asked. She looked back up at me.

"Well, they both asked if I wanted to, but I said I'd prefer to finish this essay." I couldn't quite believe her. Maybe that would have been true of 5th year Lily, but lately she had been much more lax. She hadn't given up a night of friends for homework in a while. But, maybe she was behind. I had no reason not to give her the benefit of the doubt, so I didn't pursue the conversation.

"In all honesty, how do I look, Lily?" I blurted out. I immediately froze slightly, inwardly cursing myself. I hadn't meant to say that. I felt on edge and uneasy. She hadn't made me feel like that in a while, but here I was, caring whether or not she meant her compliment.

"Very handsome." She said. I nodded at her, and then jumped a few inches when someone knocked on the door. I hurried over to it, a ball of nervous energy. Haley was there, looking overdressed and unhappy. I smiled largely at her, just to piss her off, which made her frown deepen. Nevertheless, I took her hand, and led her to what would end up being the destruction of our relationship.

* * *

After it was over, I was surprised I didn't see it coming. I mean, not the particulars, like her flirting with another guy to make me jealous and calling Lily a conniving bitch, but the whole disaster evening. I felt like that one should have been obvious.

I had been patient with Haley, because I truly felt like that is the mature way to handle a relationship. But she was becoming undefendable. She flirted with that guy, Michael, to 'show me' what my friendship with Lily was 'doing to her feelings'. She even said that her 'just talking' with another guy was nothing in comparison to my 'flagrant cheating'. My growing anger and annoyance with her bubbled to the surface, and the resulting conversation was not pretty. I yelled at Michael to sod off, which I shouldn't have done. It wasn't like it was _his _fault. Haley's accusations about Lily really hit a sore spot. My ever growing, pathetic, four year feelings for her were unreciprocated, and would stay that way. Lily had made that painfully obvious with her honesty in the past few years. All the hurt I felt over my rejections started spilling out into a yelling match about how I would never be with her. Haley, of course never taking anything lying down, rose to the occasion. She started cursing both Lily and I, which I of course wouldn't take. She eventually stormed off, leaving me with the bill and a very angry restaurant. I am actually banned from there, and had to pay a fine for disturbing the peace.

A fantastic end to an eventful night out.


	15. 3AM (James)

This is dedicated to all my reviewers. In particular, peacock33, for taking this story seriously, and being willing to think of it complexly and thoughtfully. It is appreciated, and I hope this (long) chapter is up to snuff.

I know this chapter is long. It sort of started to write itself, and it ran away from me. Just stay with it. I promise that it goes somewhere.

And, an average .16% of my viewers have reviewed (I did the math!) I won't beg anyone to, and don't feel obliged, but they really are nice.

* * *

**Location: Dorm Room and Lily's Room**

**3AM**

I was in well earned foul mood. I was in no temper to go and see Lily, so I headed up to talk to the Marauders. If anyone would listen to me, it would be them. I stormed up to our room, where Remus and Sirius were sitting on the floor playing Chess. They tried to greet me, and I responded by kicking over their game board. They immediately went silent, and let me vent without interruption.

I relayed to them the entire evening. After I finished, I found both of them staring at me.

"What?" I asked, emotionally tired. Physically too, actually, from all of my storming around.

"Mate, you know what we're going to say." Sirius said, sounding faintly condescending.

"I know." I said.

"You have got to break up with her. I never really understood why you stayed with her in the first place, but now, you have got to put a stop to this." Sirius said.

"No. She's good for me." I heard a collective exhale. I wasn't sure why I was putting up this charade. I guess some part of me wanted to be talked into dumping her. I wanted to be assured that she was deserving of being broken up with, and I wasn't being too eager about it. I couldn't define my motivation, but I went with it nevertheless.

"Prongs, why do you think she's good for you? I really want to know." Sirius said, sounding tired.

"Well, she's changing me for the better. Because I'm with her, my temper has become way more controlled." Until tonight, so it would seem. It was true statement, though. Before, I would fly off the handle at a moment's notice. "I now think before I speak, and consider if others will be offended. I have become less controlling and demanding. I listen better. I understand what is proper boyfriend behavior. She doesn't let me get away with being a jackass just because I'm popular. She's holding me to normal standards. She's making me a more mature, controlled, understanding person." All true, still. My anger was fading, and I started to remember why I was with her in the first place.

"James," Remus said. "is that really how you see it?"

"Obviously." I said.

"That's not how we see it. We see those changes you speak of as you maturing. You're older, James. You're going to act older. People mature as they live more life. I think, with or without her, you'd be right where you are with all of those traits. All I think she has done is try to change your character." Remus said.

"I'm afraid that I don't really see the difference." I said honestly.

"Prongs, before this year, you had your character problems. We all did. But you changed those yourself over the summer and through the year of sixth year. You fixed yourself. With Haley, you're changing your personality to fit her own enjoyment just because she asks. You're becoming a whipped dog. She's stepping on you, and changing who you are." Sirius said.

"So changing who I am is a bad thing. And I thought you just said that _I _changed myself?" I said, feeling a little petulant.

"That's completely different. You changed what was bad about yourself. You matured. Everyone must do that. It's a natural part of being human. No, what Sirius is trying to say, is that she is trying to change your personality."

"Right!" Sirius exclaimed. _"_Your sense of humor, your wit, your quickness of speech, your jokes, your leisure activities. She didn't like any of that. She didn't really like you. I'm sure she liked the external you just fine—your looks, your money, your status. But you—nah, she didn't care about that."

"Don't hold back for my feelings, mate. Say what you really mean." I deadpanned.

"It's true. You need to hear it. She's molded you into her perfect little boyfriend. You were so willing to believe that her motives were pure—that she really wanted to help you become a better person, and not just the perfect little servant boyfriend. I've actually thought a lot about this, Prongs." His speech started to quicken as he became excited. "See, she's not as stupid as I thought she was. She saw an opportunity with you, and she took it. She was able to get a trophy boyfriend, someone all the girls had wanted just a year or two before. She could parade you around superficially, and everyone on the outside would think highly of her. And then her plan really takes off." Sirius said, sounding even more excited. I was feeling a sort of numbness, myself. "See, on the inside, she has this perfect opportunity. You are vulnerable and naïve. You are completely susceptible to anything she says. You will fully, and completely, believe that whatever she tells you is the norm. She could have you come check on her in the night, and you'd think it was normal, because she said it was. She could force you to compliment her at least seven times a day, and you'd think it was normal. She could make you cook every meal for her, and spoon feed her, and you'd think it was normal. You somewhat idolized her, or something, in your head, and let yourself completely trust her. She had this golden little chance to have the absolute perfect boyfriend. One who would do anything she said, and do anything for her, and not say a word edgewise. You'd be none the wiser. It's truly diabolical."

"Dramatic, much?" I said, for I couldn't really think of anything else to say. My brain wasn't rejecting the information, per say, it was more just putting it on hold until I was stable enough to process what he just threw at me.

"Maybe a little! I LOVE DRAMATICS!" He said, flailing. Remus flinched.

"Alright, enough. That won't help convince him. Look, James," Remus said, concentrating on me. "Do you see what we mean? This is how we perceive your relationship."

"I was with her for a reason, Moony." I said, trying to defend myself. "I wanted to be a better guy. A decent one."

"Which is fine, James, it truly is. But you chose the wrong girl to trust. Changing to please someone is a terrible idea."

"I was changing to please Lily back in the summer."

"That's not true, and you know it. You were changing because you saw that you had to. You, for once, saw what you were actually like. It was because of Lily, not for Lily." True.

"Well...I don't know...I don't feel like Haley has really changed my personality that much, guys."

"Maybe we're exaggerating slightly. I mean, when you hang out with us, you're the same. But when you're with her, you became this little beat puppy. Since when have you let yourself be bullied around? She tells you to do something, you do it. She yells at you, you take it. You aren't that type of person. You don't let yourself get pushed around. You don't let yourself get talked down to. You stick up for yourself. Plus, you're so quiet when you're with her. You just watch her, and listen to her. Relationships are about communication, and it seems totally one way with you two. I mean, normally, you're a chatterbox. Not that you can't sit and listen, or anything. But you talk, and you have opinions. You play jokes and you laugh. You debate and you infuriate people. You always _do _something, Prongs. When you're with her, you're just silent. She's changing you, because she doesn't want to hear about you or your problems. She just wants someone who will listen, and she won't have to put in any effort."

"I don't know. Maybe you guys are right." Of course they were. I was finally coming to understand and process Sirius's rant about Haley, and I was starting to feel pissed off again.

"We are. Go break up with her, now." I looked down at my feet, trying to calm myself. I was becoming irrationally mad at Sirius (a shoot-the-messenger type of situation, I believe), and I wanted to relax a little. "And then, right after you're done, ask out Lily." My head snapped up, just in time to see Remus punch Sirius in the shoulder. "What, Moony? He should. You know he should."

"One step at a time, mate."

"What did you mean by that? Why in the hell would I do that?" Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Because it so obvious you two want to be together. She's too nice to try to break up a relationship, and you're too stupid to break up your own. But once that's out of the way, there should be nothing stopping either one of you."

"Oh yeah, because she's come on to me _so many times _this year. She has made it abundantly clear hundreds of times that she is not interested, and I'm finally listening. I'm not going to make a fool out of myself again."

"Have you asked her lately?" Remus said.

"No, of course not. There's no reason to."

"You are a daft idiot, do you realize that?" Sirius said.

"Thanks a lot, mate." I said stiffly.

"Well, you are. Ask her out. You may like her response."

"I will do nothing of the kind. I am still technically with Haley, for Merlin's sake!"

"Eh, now that that boat is on it's way out, thank Merlin, there's nothing stopping you!"

"There are plenty of things stopping me."

"Like what? Do you not feel that way anymore, or something?" Sirius said in a sarcastic voice. I looked down at the bed spread, feeling angry, but this time, more at myself. Sirius looked at me closer. "I mean, you have gotten to really know her a lot better over the past year and a half. I just assumed..." Interpreting my silence incorrectly, he dropped all hints of sarcasm. "Mate, wait. Do you seriously not like her like that anymore? Oh come, after all this sodding time—"

"No, that isn't the problem. I doubt that will ever be the problem." Sirius breathed out a sigh of relief. "Of course I still feel the same way. But she doesn't, nor will she ever. She's told me that before, and I believe her. I will not bother her again about it."

"Don't be stupid, Prongs." I turned away from them.

"I'm leaving. I will not sit here while you try to dictate how I live my life. I've had enough."

"James," Remus started.

"Shut it. I am not asking her out. You may have had a point about Haley, but I don't know. I just want to think about it. But I am sick of you pushing me towards her when we're both resisting. Grow up and leave my problems to me."

"You came to us!" Sirius yelled as I walked out the door. That wasn't, strictly speaking, true. I had gone there to talk, not to receive advice.

* * *

I started to stalk around the castle, feeling annoyed and angry.

I was a little riled at Remus, because he could be so calm while destroying my relationship. I was frustrated that he thought he had the right to analyze my life, and come up with his own conclusions about the way it should be lived. I was also annoyed because he did have the right to do it, and he could obviously come up with more sensible explanations than I.

I was mad at Sirius, because he was so meddling and never trusted me to handle issues on my own. He stuck his nose in everywhere. He talked without knowing all the details, and apparently didn't care much about my emotional stability. He always told me what to do, and never listened when I gave my side. I was also mad at him for understanding me so perfectly, because it allowed him to push exactly the right buttons, and get the desired response. I was angry that he knew me better than I knew myself, and would never let me settle for less than I deserved. More than anything, I was angry at him for giving such a convincing argument against Haley. How did he understand so much when he was so far from our relationship? We never hung out together. Ever. How did he realize her motives, and pinpoint them to such a T? The man who refuses to get emotionally attached understood female emotions and motives better than I did. And, if he was right (which I was pretty sure he was), that would mean that I wasted two months of my life. I would never get those months back. If I died young (which, with the threat of the war, was seeming more and more possible) they would be even more wasted. If she truly had been using me, then I _still _didn't know how to be a proper boyfriend. Only now, I would just let myself get pushed over. Lovely.

So, I was also furious at Haley. I had Merlin knows how long left to live, and she thought that she could take months of my life away for her own purposes? Bloody hell, all I had wanted from her was to become a better person. She had used that against me, and actually set me back in my relationship maturity. I thought we had an understanding. Why did she think she had the right?

I was angry at all three of them for their insinuations about Lily. First, Haley's direction accusations were infuriating. I was not a cheater, never had been, and never will be. I hated having my integrity unjustly questioned, especially about that. Apparently, Haley saw Lily as a threat. This meant that we seemed close enough to be dating. The realization of just how close I was, but how forever far, was unbearable to me. And Remus and Sirius's direct match making was frustrating beyond words. Their off the hand comments about her changed feelings just about killed me to hear. It raised my hope, which couldn't raise again. They were so cavalier about my heart, and it was unfair to me. I knew her better than both of them, and I was positive that her feelings had not, and would never, change.

I felt drained, and so very tired. I spent so much emotion that night, that I felt like I was going to drop. The only person I really wanted to be with was more than likely asleep. But, suddenly, that wasn't going to detour me. I turned on my heel, and tiredly marched to our room. I felt this inexplicable need to see her—to be with her. After all that had happened, I needed to be reminded that there were decent, normal people (specifically girls) in the world who were actually caring. It was completely unfair of me to wake her up, but I couldn't stop myself.

I knocked on her door several times, each moment feelinging more and more like a complete arse. I was spent, acting like a jerk, and not thinking before I acted. Every sign pointed to this being a horrendous idea. But something was driving me to her room, and, for whatever reason, I couldn't say no.

I rose my fist to knock again, but she opened the door. She was wearing pajamas and looked a little groggy, but more awake than I had anticipated. She had a mild expression on, but I could tell some emotion was brewing at the surface.

"Hi Lily. I'm so sorry to bother you. But I just..." Just what, James? Wanted to snog? Shag? Cry? Stare at each other? What did I want from her? Why was I there? "Could we talk?" I settled on. There wasn't any other ending to that sentence that I could come up with.

"Of course we can. Don't apologize. That's what I'm here for." Always so kind and giving. She made me feel even worse about barging in. I shuffled over to her bed, and ungracefully planted myself upon it. I hit my head a little to hard against her bed board as she sat across from me. She looked expectant, like it was my responsibility to come up with a conversation topic.

Well, duh. I was a complete idiot. It was _I _who barged into her room at 3AM, waking her up. It was I her asked her to talk. Of course she would think I actually had a topic in mind.

I quickly scanned my brain for a conversation topic that was appropriate and urgent enough to have woken her up in the middle of the night to talk about. Homework and head duties were definitely out. What was important enough to bother her about? Why was I here? What did I _want _to talk about?

I wanted to know if Sirius was right. I wanted to understand Haley, and know her motivations. I wanted to understand my emotions. I felt like a big mud puddle of conflicted, and confusing, feelings, and I couldn't separate them from each other to make sense of them. I wanted advice from someone who knew what he/she was talking about. I wanted to know the norm, since apparently Haley hadn't given it to me, and I couldn't trust my relationship-phobic best friends for squat.

"You've had boyfriends before." Three semi serious ones, if my memory served me correctly (which, I knew it did).

"Yes, a couple." Three, Lily. There was Truman, for three months in fourth year. There was Carl for one month in fourth year, and then Eric for five months in fifth year.

"Did you guys ever fight?" I asked. Maybe the last few weeks of our relationship was normal. Maybe people fought, and maybe expecting us to get along all the time was naïve.

"Not a lot. I sort of did with Eric, but we broke up after our first real fight. None of my boyfriends and I really...fought when we were together, I guess."

"Oh." I went silent. So Sirius was right. If I was using Lily as a normal meter (I was starting to think that I should stop using singular people as measures of normalcy, though. I should take like, an average or something), then we weren't a normal couple. I turned to face her. "That doesn't make me feel much better." If she was able to keep three relationships without ever fighting or getting her heart broken, then I was pretty sure she was doing something right. Come to think of it, Haley had said she and her previous boyfriends never really fought, either. Maybe the problem really was just with me. Maybe I couldn't hold a relationship. Maybe I was destined to be alone.

"I'm sorry, James." She said, so quietly that I almost didn't hear her. Why in the hell was she apologizing?

"No need to apologize. It's not your fault, Lily. It's hers. Or mine. I don't know anymore." She looked sympathetic, and entwined our hands for comfort. I smiled at our interwoven hands. So much had changed in two years. She apparently felt comfortable enough with me that she thought we could make physical contact (instigated by her, nonetheless), and I wouldn't think she was making a move or something stupid. But, within the comfort of a room and closed doors, I could pretend that she was. I wanted to keep this level of intimacy going, and raise it. Since I knew I couldn't do that physically, I opted for doing it emotionally.

"She was not very into the date tonight, so to speak." She looked up at me, obviously surprised. I had purposely avoided talking about Haley to her. I felt like that was such a private, close friends topic, and I never felt like we were to that level yet. I was still uncomfortable around her (left over feelings), and I felt like she was uncomfortable around me as well (left over feelings, but of a very different sort). But tonight, I just wanted to open up to her. I wanted to be as close as I often dreamed us to be. For whatever reason, I needed there to be some sort of _us_ that she wouldn't want to lose. I needed us to be close. I needed her to need me. And the only way to do that was to open up to her, and act like we were as close as I desperately wished we were. So, I relayed the entire evening to her, only leaving out some of the minor details and Haley's more colorful words.

I watched her during my entire story. She seemed like she was masking some sort of emotion that she didn't want me to see. I guessed it was exasperation with me for waking her up just to whine. I didn't know what to do. The more I told her, the more upset I started to feel. Aside from some of the Marauder's secrets, there wasn't a whole lot more to share about myself (at least, nothing interesting to other people). I was letting her into the one part of me I had refused to share with her. I held no more cards (not that the deck was stacked favorably towards me anyway). But she still didn't seem to care. She wasn't telling me to go to bed, and that we would talk about it in the morning. She was being overwhelming nice to me, but I could see something boiling in her eyes. She had to be annoyed with me. There was _nothing _left that I could do that would make us close. To clarify, we were actually already pretty close, in the normal sense. We knew a lot about each other's lives and personalities, but that just comes from living together. What I wanted was something more. That indescribable _it _that you had with only a few people in a lifetime. A true understanding and caring about the other. An intimacy that had to built, and kept together and whole by both sides. And she was, unknowingly, rejecting it. I felt so powerless where she was concerned. She was close, but there was nothing I could do to force us our friendship to go to a deeper level. I felt like an impuissant child.

She made some offhand comment thanking me for my defending her. What else would I have done? I shrugged off the false compliment, and waited for Lily to get fed up and tell me to go to bed. She, being Lily, shocked me.

"Do you want me to talk to her? You know, to explain that there is nothing between us?" No. I really didn't want her to do that at all. I didn't want to save my relationship with Haley, and I didn't want Lily to audibly deny any possibility between us. My head had already been telling me that for years, but I didn't need the validation from her lips. It would just make it so much worse. Why was she even offering? She couldn't actually want to go and talk to Haley. That would be awkward even if they were friends.

"No, no. You don't have to do that. You don't have to do anything." I said. She was already being nicer than I deserved. Much nicer than my other friends, at very least. "I just felt like talking to someone who wasn't full of advice." I felt like I was whining or complaining a lot tonight. But I just couldn't bring myself to care. I was having one of those break down nights—the strong ones, that you only get one every few years. The ones that reveal your true friends. Remus's one and only breakdown was what started the Marauders.

"I take it that you went and saw the other Marauders, then?" She asked.

"Yes, that's where I was before coming here. They all tried to convince me to dump her. I didn't want their advice, I just wanted them to listen." I loved them, but sometimes, damn them.

"I understand." She said. She evidently did, because she wasn't giving me any advice. Oddly enough, I rather wanted it from her. She was the only one in the group who had had a stable relationship. But she didn't look like she was going to start giving advice. I suddenly realized that her two word answer was probably a hint: _leave idiot, I'm tired and want to go back to sleep. I don't want to talk about your relationship! _

"Oh well. I'm sorry for waking you up." I felt like a moron. Even with saying it, though, I didn't get up off her bed. I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

"Don't apologize, James. I'm always here to talk." That wasn't much encouragement, but I just couldn't leave. I wanted to be around her. I wanted to be with her. And, apparently, tonight was my night to give into emotions. First with Haley, then with the boys, and now with Lily. I was apparently throwing all maturity aside, and I was going to act like a selfish little boy. Oh well. I could regret it in the morning. I turned to her and smiled, about ready to ask her how her night had been. The look on her face stopped me. She looked sad, and I didn't have any idea why. Maybe it was on my behalf, or maybe she had a bad day. All I really knew was that I wanted, desperately, to make her feel better. But what was I to do? What could I say? I didn't have permission to touch her, hug her, or kiss her and comfort her. I could ask her to talk about it, but knowing her, she would completely brush that aside and refuse to open up. Whenever I caught her looking at me with a sad, helpless expression, she never explained herself. I couldn't understand what had her down, and she wouldn't open up. She wouldn't let me in. That's all I wanted from her, but she kept herself private, and there was nothing to do about it.

"Do you ever feel powerless when all you want is to feel powerful?" I asked, unsure of what made me voice this thought. My voice was a little shaky from my emotion. I felt so unstable, and vulnerable. She could just tell me to go away. She could brush me off. But this was Lily, the kindest soul on the planet.

"All the time." She said. And then we started to talk like we never had before. She told me of her family and home life, and I told her about mine. In one hour, we knew all of those extremely uninteresting and dull, yet very intimate details about each other. She told me of her sister, and what her bullying made her feel. I tried to explain why people bully (having been one myself), and I talked of how ashamed I felt of understanding why people can be evil. We just kept _going. _We talked about graduation and future plans. We told each other our aspirations and dreams. She was letting me in, and I couldn't stop my mouth or excitement. I had no idea her motivation, but she was letting me see a closed part of her. We talked about death, and coming to terms with the finality of it, and the inescapability of it. These weren't light topics. Now, I not only knew the trivial facts that every roommate would know (like her families name, and if she is a morning or night person, her favorite tea, etc...), but also what was hidden. I couldn't understand why she was humoring me, and finally letting me in. This went beyond kindness. She didn't do this with everyone (or, really, anyone). Why me? Why?

I didn't understand, but I didn't need to. I just needed it to keep going. She was filling my emptiness and loneliness. I had thought that just enjoying being around Haley had been enough for a relationship. I had thought that it being pleasant was enough reason to be with her. But now I understood that that would never be enough. I would always crave more—this. The building of something. The knowing more about the other person than anyone else. Truly being intimate, and not in the physical sense. Trusting someone else with the boring, often terrible, details of yourself, and trusting them to care. This was what relationships were supposed to be. This was true companionship, and this was what I had been missing my entire life. I had always felt content with my friends because I had this with them. I knew everything about them. I never felt uncomfortable or bored with them, and this was why. My romantic relationships were obviously a different story. I never had come close to letting girls know my middle name, let alone these details. But this is what I needed, and I was desperate to keep it going. Dawn was starting to rise, and I felt completely exhausted. I couldn't even move my limbs, though my mouth and vocal chords were still in action. There was no energy in me left, but I didn't want this to stop. I was afraid it would never start again. Finally, Lily said what I had been expecting hours ago.

"James, maybe you should go and try to get some sleep."

"It's a Sunday. No classes, so no need. We can keep talking." I slurred my words, decreasing their effect. She made some reply that I couldn't really hear. I was drifting in and out of consciousness. It had been a long day. I mumbled something in reply. I think I was agreeing to go to bed.

"James? You're not moving." She said. I couldn't help but laugh a little. I still didn't feel like moving.

"Can I just stay here? I don't want to move. So tired." I said as loudly as I could manage. My eyes were shut, and I was completely beat, but I still needed her permission. This was her bed, after all. She didn't answer me, though. I thought I may have missed her response, so asked if she heard me.

"Yeah James." She said. After a slight hesitation, she told me to go back to my room. I didn't want to, mainly because it meant moving. It made sense, though. This was her bed, and I was completely taking it over. It was unfair to make her take a couch or something. And it wasn't like she would sleep in the same bed as me. She had her morals and standards.

I tiredly walked back into my room, and flopped down on my bed. I was unconscious almost immediately. I would wake up to humiliation and shame over my petulant and childish behavior, to Lily and the Marauders. I would have a killer headache, and I would over analyze the entire evening. I would second guess the importance of the night, and wonder if it meant as much as I felt like it did. I would promise to keep a better reign on my emotions, and not let myself become such a slobbering mess of a person in the future.

But right then, all I did was slip into a beautiful dreamless sleep.


	16. Week Eleven (James)

**Location: Gryffindor Common Room and Hogsmeade**

**WEEK ELEVEN of 7th YEAR**

A week later, I found myself somehow still dating Haley. I wasn't actually with her much at all; head duties and homework actually kept my occupied for most of the week. For the first couple of days, Haley skipped our classes. I heard that she was sick, but I wasn't sure if it was true or not. That Thursday and Friday Dumbledore took both Lily and I out of class to plan for the weekend. When you're an underclassman, you never really think that those weekends take any planning. But there was so much to do—get the carriages ready, set people to patrol, etc...I supposed I sort of forgot about Haley with all I had to do. It wasn't like she was really trying to be with me, either. I wasn't even sure if we were technically still dating. I figured she still was planning on going to Hogsmeade with me, but I wasn't. Lily asked had seemed to notice that Haley and I weren't hanging out as much, because she asked if everything was alright between us. I didn't really know how to respond, so I just shrugged. Speaking of Lily, things didn't change between us. The air between us was different. We both knew that that night was significant. But neither of us actually acknowledged it, and we fell into our old patterns quickly. I didn't really mediate on it, though. I mean, how much could really change? She was still my best girl friend. We just now knew a lot more about each other. Knowledge doesn't make you date, especially when one person has a significant other and the other isn't interested.

Whether she was interested or not became irrelevant in regards to Haley. With further scrutiny, Sirius's words kept proving more and more accurate. No matter what would happen (or more likely, not happen) between Lily and I, I couldn't stay with Haley. It had to end.

These thoughts were on my mind as I headed up to the Gryffindor common room on the day of the Hogsmeade trip. Haley was already waiting for me, sitting silently across from an oblivious, reading Frank and an awkward looking Remus. When I walked up, both looked relieved.

"Prongs." Remus greeted me. I was about to respond, but Haley cut me off.

"You're late. I wanted to get a head start today, since it's Hogsmeade." She still seemed irritated from the other day, though we seemed to have come to a silent agreement never to mention it again. As she stood up, I knew I couldn't delay it any longer. There was no reason to put us both through more pain and torture.

"I'm breaking up with you." In retrospect, it wasn't the best timing, and it was probably the worst wording imaginable. She looked up at me with her big blue eyes, shock evident in them.

"What?" She said, her voice an octave higher than usual.

"Uh. Yeah. I just..." I looked past her to Remus, who was looking more amused than, as one of my best mates, he rightly should have.

"You're WHAT?" She screeched, now fully comprehending the situation. I cringed outwardly and inwardly, for now everyone was staring. "You can't break up with ME. YOU CAN'T."

"I'm sorry, Haley. Let's go talk about this." I tried to urge her way. Me and my big mouth. I should have known she'd make a spectacle.

"NO, WE'RE NOT LEAVING. EXPLAIN YOURSELF." She yelled, tears now brimming in her eyes.

"Look, Haley, we haven't been getting along for ages. This can't be a surprise. We're hardly soul mates. I'm sorry but...It was inevitable."

"Breaking up with me was INEVITABLE?" She said, yelling. She hit my chest with her arms, which made me take a step back. Frank had put down his book to watch with the rest of the common room. Remus was still smiling. "Well, FINE! YOU BETTER HOPE I FIND SOMEONE NEW BEFORE THE NEXT QUIDDITCH MATCH!" With that immensely confusing statement, she stalked off. I stood in heavy silence for a moment, her departure still affecting my brain. Eventually, I sat down in an arm chair a little ways from Remus, who was still looking amused. After a few tense moments, the silence was broken, and people stopped paying me attention. Frank went back to concentrated reading, conversations picked up again, and I was left alone in my embarrassment and confusion. While I knew I should be feeling upset, loss, or some emotion from the sadness spectrum (a few month relationship had just ended, after all), all I really felt was relief (and a twinge of embarrassment).

I had been trying to decipher Haley's last comment when I heard a younger, girly voice speak to me.

"Hey James." I looked up to see a fifth year Gryffindor sit down in the chair next to me. She looked familiar, but I couldn't quite place her name. Lissy, maybe?

"What do you need?" I said, confused, but trying to be friendly.

"So...I couldn't help but overhear that." She sounded guilty.

"Um. Yeah. I think most people did." I said, confused by her contrite tone.

"Right. Right. Well, now that you're all, single and all..." I couldn't believe this. I hadn't been single for three minutes and I was being asked out? Seriously? When did I get all desirable?

"Sorry, but no thanks." I said shortly. I was _not _looking for another girlfriend.

"No, no! That's not what I was going to ask! I mean, it kind of was. But not really." I looked at her embarrassment, once again confused. "You know, forget it. I'll ask Remus."

"Hold it! Hold it!" I said, grabbing her arm to prevent her from standing. She sat back down, face red. "What were you going to ask?"

"Just...I was going to ask..." I waited patiently for any coherent question to emerge. "It's just...It's...You're friends with Sirius." She stated. I waited for her to expand, but she just sat looking at her folded hands.

"That's a true statement." I said. The corners of her mouth turned up, but she still did not look at ease.

"I like him." She said, very quietly.

"A lot of people do. He's a fun guy." I said. I knew where this was headed, but I wanted her to say it.

"I mean, like, I _like _him. Like, I want a date. But you know how he is. He doesn't say yes to like...anyone."

"He says yes to girls he likes." I meant this to be encouraging, but by the look on her face, that's not how she interpreted it. "Well, I meant...Uhm. He sometimes says yes."

"He wouldn't say yes to me." She said, with a slight edge of self-pitying.

"You never know."

"You might know."

"Excuse me?"

"Well, if _you _asked him-" I cut her off.

"No. No. I am not asking out my best friend for you. There's a line, and that crosses it."

"Please, James." She pleaded.

"No." I said, firm. "You should ask him yourself."

"I can't." She said quickly, sounding slightly panicked at the thought.

"You really should. This whole 'not-being-direct' thing never helped anyone."

"I can't. He'd reject me."

"You should try. Rejection never stopped me." I said, internally wincing at the memories.

"I can't."

"Okay, alright." I said. We sat in silence for a minute, watching people trickle down the stairs for breakfast. She opened her mouth to speak, but at that moment, Remus called to me from 3 chairs away, effectively silencing whatever she was about to say.

"Hey Prongs." Remus said. "Frank and I were about to go to breakfast. Are you coming?"

"In a minute." I replied. Frank was standing and heading over, having finally finished his reading. I stood, but was stopped by the girl's voice.

"James, will you go to Hogsmeade with me?" I looked back around, surprised.

"What?"

"With me. Will _you _go with _me_?" She said. I smiled. That was a solution. I wouldn't ask out my best friend, even if it was for someone else. She obviously wouldn't ask Sirius, on account of being too shy/fearing rejection. She had threatened to ask Remus, but I knew that was an empty statement. She would get nowhere fast with that. He'd probably just stare at her in surprise until she walked away. This way, she could still be close to Sirius, but it wouldn't have any pressure.

"You know what...I think I will." I didn't have to agree, but she seemed nice, and Sirius could use someone plain _nice _in his life. Merlin knows he didn't get enough of it at home. "And, uh...What's your name?" She looked slightly offended, but eventually brushed it off with a laugh.

"Lindsey." She stood from her chair, and was now displaying a genuine, easy smile.

"Right. Sorry. I'll meet you here at, say, noon?"

"Sounds good." Lindsey smiled at me, and turned to exit.

"And Lindsey?" I said, preventing her from leaving. She turned back around, and looked at me expectantly. I leaned in, and whispered into her ear.

"He likes confident girls. Give flirting a try." She colored slightly, but nodded. She then proceeded out of the common room. I sat for a minute, a little bemused at how odd the last ten minutes had been.

"James?" Frank said. He had apparently walked over with Remus during the end of Lindsey and I's conversation. I shook my head, breaking my thoughts. "Ready?"

"Yeah. Let's go." We all walked out of the portrait hole together, but before we could go another step towards the Great Hall, Remus stopped us.

"You know what, James, we were supposed to wake Sirius. We should go do that. It may be a while, Frank. You know how heavy of a sleeper he is." I stared at Remus, but he wouldn't look at me.

"Okay. I'll go down to breakfast. Meet you there?"

"Sure. Bye." Remus grabbed my arm and dragged me back into the common room. I stumbled, and was about to complain when he pulled me up the stairs and into my old, and his current, room. Sirius was lying on his bed, fast asleep.

"Moony?" I said, once he finally let me stand on my own. "We never wake Padfoot up. What's with the lie? And the bodily forcing?"

"Shut it, James." Remus said, taking me by surprise again. He looked angry. Well, he looked Remus's version of angry, which was an extremely mild expression with a slight tap to his foot.

"Alright, then. What'd I do?"

"Did I hear you agree to go to Hogsmeade with Lindsey?" He said evenly. I nodded, which caused him to hit me on the right side of my head.

"Hey! What the hell, Moony?"

"Why did you do that?"

"I know I just broke up with Haley, and that might seem weird-"

"Not that." Remus interrupted. I cocked my head. What was he so annoyed at? "I don't care how long it takes you to get over Haley. Ten minutes will do nicely."

"I think it was actually about two weeks ago." Remus smiled lightly, but he still had the same annoyed expression.

"Be that as it may, why did you ask _Lindsey _out?"

"Is there something wrong with her?"

"No, there's nothing wrong with—"

"Then why should you care if I said I'd go with her?" I asked.

"Because, you idiot!" I saw he was about to continue, but I cut him off.

"I didn't say yes for me." I said, hoping to pacify him. He looked at me, obviously confused.

"I figured? Wait. What? Explain."

"Look, Moony. She likes Padfoot. She was too shy to ask him out, so she asked if she could come with me to get close with him. That's all, nothing more. There's nothing between us." He looked torn between annoyance and slight amusement. He finally settled on the latter.

"Padfoot is going to love that." He said, snickering.

"What?"

"Oh, he's just going to love this whole situation." Remus said, not clarifying further.

"What? Moony, what's going on? I mean sure, he may be a _little _annoyed, but..."

"No, no. It's not her. Well, it is a little. Do you know Lindsey?" I shook my head. "She's a little on the...bookish side, so to speak. She's also only a fifth year. I think she's extremely fascinated by his bad boy persona, but they're going to have nothing to talk about. It's going to be wonderfully awkward." I smiled.

"Well, I think that's just what Sirius needs. A calm girl. It'll be a good contrast to him. You know he won't marry some rouge. He'll find a _nice _girl." I said.

"Yeah, if he ever marries." Remus said.

"He'll marry. Probably."

"When he's fifty." I laughed lightly. There was a lot of truth to that statement.

"Maybe Lindsey will be a little bit of push in the right direction." I suggested.

"You know as well as I that it won't." I was about to reply, but Remus kept on. "He's going to have an awful day, and you know it."

"Yeah, probably." I conceded.

"And _you _asking her out will be icing on the cake. He's going to be so mad at you." Remus said.

"What does that mean?" I asked, confused by this comment.

"Come on, James. Don't be daft."

"What's with the insults today from you? I just got my heart broken, remember?"

"You dumped her." Remus reminded me.

"Oh. Nevermind...But what did you mean?"

"Come on, Prongs. Why would Sirius be mad if you asked out Lindsey? Why was I annoyed that you asked out Lindsey? Actually, why _am _I annoyed that you asked out Lindsey?"

"You can't still be mad. I explained-" Remus cut me off.

"Prongs. What has Padfoot been saying to you? There is _one _girl you should have asked out, and Lindsey wasn't her." There wasn't any room for misinterpreting that statement.

"She's not interested."

"Prongs." Remus said patiently.

"No, she's not. Look, I know Padfoot keeps trying to push me with her, and keeps saying that her feelings have changed, but he hated Haley. He was just trying to get me away from her by distracting me. He wasn't being serious."

"James." Remus said, reverting to my given name. "We have been hanging out with Lily more than anyone else lately. Don't you think we probably know her true feelings? And, we know how much it killed you to get over her. Do you really think your best friends would try to put you through more pain? I am suggesting it because I know what the outcome would be. Ask her out."

"No. You're just using your whole Moony logic. It's not going to work."

"Moony logic?" Remus repeated dryly.

"Where you make mental stuff sound right due to clever wording. It's not going to work."

"I don't do that, and if I did, I wouldn't be doing it now. I am being up front with you about this. If I was Padfoot, maybe I'd understand your hesitation, even though I think you're doing him a disservice by assuming he'd care more about his own comfort than your emotional well being. He loves you too, you must remember. But anyway, this is me. Would I lie to you? Would I purposefully put you in a place where you could embarrass yourself? Would I bring up old pain if it wasn't for a good reason? Would I make a situation where you could lose one of our mutual friends? Be reasonable, James." No matter how I turned it around in my head, he sounded right. But it _couldn't be. _I wasn't going to let irrational hope destroy me again. No matter how much I wanted it, it just wasn't that way.

"Remus. People don't just change their minds like that."

"They do when they're given a reason to. And you have given her a reason." That Remus. He always knew what to say.

"But..." I said, trailing off.

"But?" Remus prompted.

"I'm terrified." I admitted. Two years ago, I would have rather be killed on the spot than to admit that. But now, under the safety of Remus's solitary presence, I let him in on this tidbit. "She is a great friend, and if you're mistaken, I lose her. And I just got her, Remus, even if it's not how I want. I just got her, and I don't want to lose her. And I don't want to hear "no" from her. I just can't hear it."

"I understand completely. But isn't your drive to hear a "yes" stronger than your fear to hear a "no"?" I continued to look at my feet.

"It was. But...I can't lose her friendship. And if she says no..."

"And if she says yes?" Remus said. I finally looked up at his ever patient face.

"I..." I refused to let myself imagine it.

"You won't have to imagine, if you just ask." He said, guessing my thoughts. "Today's Hogsmeade, Prongs. I know you are already...taken, but I think we can get her over to you. She'll say yes. I promise you. Think about it."

I nodded, then turned to leave. Sirius's voice stopped me.

"If you don't ask her out, _I _bloody will for you. And that's a threat I will keep." I didn't doubt him.

"How long have you been awake?" Remus asked him, obviously surprised.

"Since somewhere along "icing on the cake." Do you have cake?" I laughed, the tension finally leaving the room. With Remus's promise and Sirius's threat, it looked like I had a date with destiny tonight. Time would only tell if that destiny was the one I had been yearning for for three years.

"Are you going to do it?" Sirius asked, sitting up in bed.

"You're not really giving me a choice." I replied.

"You won't let me give you a choice! I tried to yesterday, and you just yelled at us and stalked off. Like a third year, I may add. We were trying to help."

"I may have been a smidgen drunk. I stopped of in The Three Broomsticks after getting thrown out of the restaurant. I was in a bad mood."

"Drinking has never helped you get out of a bad mood, Prongs." Remus said, always the voice of reason. "It just makes you irritable, emotional, and sleepy."

"I know. Look, I'm sorry guys. For everything."

"Define 'everything.'" Sirius said, smirking

"Fine. I'm sorry for pushing you to the side for a girl. I'm sorry for not listening to you guys. I'm sorry for being irritable with you guys. I'm sorry for letting myself be taken away from you guys."

"Alright, we get it. Knock it off." Sirius said, never one for any type of emotional display. He jumped out bed. "It's just good to have you back." He slapped me on the back, and then headed to the closet. "Ready for breakfast, mates? I'm thinking pancakes. Nothing too big—we still have Hogsmeade!"

"James has a date." Remus said, totally selling me out. Sirius spun to face me.

"What? What are you talking about? You just said five minutes ago that you refused to ask out Lily."

"I didn't ask Lily."

"You asked someone else?" His voice lowered. I could tell his temper was rising. "Of all the imbecilic, stupid, boneheaded—"

"Dude, I know." I said, interrupting him. "I already got the speech from Moony. Look, I'll talk to her there. This isn't like, a real date or anything."

"Why not? What makes it unreal?" Remus, ever so slightly, snorted. Sirius narrowed his eyes.

"You'll see. It's just not. Look, I already promised you and Moony that I'd talk to her today. I won't back out. Not that you'll let me..."

"Damn straight." Sirius said.

* * *

We had been at the The Hog's Head for about forty minutes when Lily walked in, alone. I pretended not to see her, and prayed that my two friends would be blinder than I. No matter what they said, I still did not want to talk to her about anything resembling romance.

My 'date' was having a rough time. Sirius had caught on quite quickly to the fact that she was interested in him, not me. This relieved his annoyance with me (mostly), but he was getting exasperated by Lindsey. I couldn't really blame him. It was quick to see that they had almost nothing in common. Even with that, she was making it way worse than it had to be. She kept trying to flirt (as I suggested), but it always came off as juvenile and awkward. To Remus and I, it was quite funny. For Sirius, it made him feel extremely uncomfortable and fairly creeped out. I, occasionally, took pity on him and redirected the conversation. I mostly talked about Lily, because she was all that was on my mind. All this got me was several pointed looks from Remus, an exasperated glance from Sirius, and Lindsey's complete ignorance at my attempts to stop her flirting. So, all and all, I was having a good time. I never let awkward situations destroy my mood. Especially in this case, where it truly was Sirius who was the one who felt uncomfortable. I was also feeling buoyant and relaxed since my breakup. Perspective is a beautiful thing.

I kept trying to ignore Lily, but it wasn't working well. I kept stealing glances, waiting to see if she had a date that hadn't shown up yet. Eventually, Alice and Frank turned up and sat with her. I supposed this made sense, as Lily was good friends with Alice, though it seemed like she might be third wheeling a date. It was her business. I was just, pathetically, relieved that she was out with friends.

I thought my glances were discreet, but apparently, they were not. Sirius had noticed my diverted attention and had found it's source. He looked at me, narrowed his eyes, and whispered behind Lindsey's head,

"Payback for this." He said, jerking his head toward Lindsey.

My eyes went wide when I realized what he meant, but it was already too late to stop him.

"Lily!" he called loudly, waving his arms. I exhaled loudly; he was basically forcing me to ask her out. I would not be able to get out of this situation without a private talk. Remus would kill me, and Sirius would intervene and just spill out my feelings. Destiny was a-calling, and it was in the form of Sirius's obnoxious voice.

Lily seemed a little reluctant to leave her friends, and I hopefully thought for a moment that she might decline to come over. But, after a second, she whispered something to Alice and walked on over.

"Sirius, Remus." She spared me a quick glance and no greeting, which was unlike her. Had I done something wrong?

"Hey, Lily. Do you want to join us?" Remus asked.

"Oh no," she said quickly, relieving me. "I'm with Alice and Frank." I loved being with her, but I was all about procrastination today.

"I think they can part ways with you for few minutes." Sirius said. He glanced at me with a smirk.

"No, I agreed to spend the day with them. They'd be upset if I didn't." She turned to point at them, but to my disappointment, they were in the middle of a heavy snogging session. She looked disappointed as well, which was odd. She had no reason to want to avoid us. HAD I done something wrong?

"Yeah. Right. They look devastated." Sirius said, snickering. She rolled her eyes and pushed herself next to him.

"Move over, airhead." She was now sitting directly across from me. She seemed, for the first time, to acknowledge my presence. "James. How are you today?"

"I'm actually doing really well." I replied. It was true. I was nervous and on edge about my inevitable doomed talk with Lily, but I hadn't felt so free in months.

"I'm glad to hear it." She said sincerely. I was about to reply, but she turned to Lindsey. "I'm sorry, but I don't think I know your name?" So I wasn't the only one who didn't know her off the get go. That made me feel slightly better.

"I'm Lindsey. Pleasure to meet you, Lily. I've heard a lot about you." Lindsey replied nicely.

"If your information is from Sirius, don't believe it. Remus and James are more reliable sources, though James has been known to embellish stories a bit." I was officially more reliable than Sirius. That was good to know.

"Not fair!" Sirius exclaimed. I laughed. It was completely fair, and he knew it. "Why am I an untrustworthy source?"

"You told Melissa McConnor that I hexed you into a goat for pulling my hair, you prat! She wouldn't come near me for months!" I broke out into my first true smile in several minutes. That was a good memory. Melissa had practically ran from the hall every time Lily was coming the other way. She was an extremely nervous muggleborn, and the thought of accidently doing something and being turned into a goat apparently frightened her to a larger extent that Sirius had realized. It was an awesome joke.

"You sure are funny, Sirius." Lindsey said, laughing. I bit back a grin, which I shared with Remus. We both were at least getting some enjoyment out of this. Sirius looked increasingly uncomfortable. Sirius, for all the girls he attracted, never quite knew what to do with them on a one on one basis. He sometimes brought girls along to Hogsmeade, but it was usually ones he already knew well.

"Thanks." He said, extremely awkwardly. I was biting back a laugh now, and I turned to Remus to share a grin. But he was staring at me, and I knew why. I shook my head almost imperceptibly. _Not now, _I was trying to say. He gave me a look of _this second, James. _I swallowed heavily, and turned to Lily.

"Hey Lily, could I talk to you for a minute?" I sounded more confident than I felt.

"Of course." Sirius, unamused at being left alone next to Lindsey, gave me an annoyed look as we left the table. He also, probably, wanted to be there to hear what I said. It would give him great material to make fun of me with. I slid out of the booth, and Lily followed me as we walked outside, into the snowy air.

"What's up, James? Did you just want a change of scenery?" Lily asked, slightly shivering, but looking pleased with the snow.

"That, and I wanted to give Lindsey a chance to pester Sirius. And I wanted to talk to you." Without me, that situation would just get worse and worse. After all Sirius put me through this year, it was some great payback.

"Why would you want your date to bother Sirius?" She asked, baffling me.

"She's not my date." I said with conviction. After a second, I realized that that wasn't 100% accurate. "Okay, well, I guess she sort of is." She looked confused, so I hurried to explain. "She asked if she could come with me so she could try to get with Sirius. Who was I to deny her? It's not like Remus would have agreed if I hadn't. She was too shy to directly ask Sirius, which is what I advised her to do. I felt like it was my duty as a best friend to give every possible future marriage partner a chance." She laughed at this, smiling in a way that set my nerves on edge.

"Well, I'm glad to hear it." I wasn't sure what she meant by this, but I felt the need to get the conversation over with.

"Anyway Lily. I also wanted to talk to you. You know, in the quiet."

"In the cold?" She joked.

"In the private." I said, finally turning the tone appropriate for the subject matter I wanted to discuss. She stiffened, which made me nervous and had me rethinking this entire thing. I could just _tell _Sirius and Remus that I had talked to her, and she rejected me. I didn't actually have to go through the torture. But, they would know if I lied. I would never be able to make that one work. Plus, maybe it was better just to get it out on the open.

"Haley and I broke up." That seemed like a good enough place to start. She looked up at me, slightly apologetic.

"I know. Frank told me. I'm sorry." She seemed appropriately upset on my behalf, which didn't give me much confidence.

"Don't be." I said, looking straight at her. She wouldn't meet my eyes, so I wasn't quite sure about what she truly thought about all of this.

"Why not?" She asked. I decided then that it was time to tell her. I wasn't sure why; maybe it was the snow on her hair, or the look on her face. Just, at that moment, I couldn't stand _not _being with her. I couldn't just be friends. It wouldn't work. Not for me.

"Lily. I have something to ask you, and I want you to be honest." I said seriously, knowing my nerves were affecting my voice. I was just going to do it. No more of this bullshitting, and wondering, and mystery. I had made a promise to my friends and myself, and I was going to get this out in the open, no matter her reaction. I had to know what she thought of me.

"Okay." She said, sounding slightly concerned.

"Have your feelings changed towards me since last year?" She looked at me with wide eyes, like she was completely thrown by my question. "Damn it." I said, cursing, running a hand through my hair. "Okay, bad question to start with." Of course I chose the most loaded wording and indirect question of all time.

"Of course my feelings have changed." She said, surprising me with the quickness of her response. "We were barely friends last year. We're much closer now." While she technically answered my question, it didn't answer what I really wanted to know.

"Right, stupid question." No shit. I was completely ruining this. I should have started elsewhere. "Okay, maybe I should start by apologizing for Haley." That was what I should have said to start with, instead of a stupid, easily evaded question all on her.

"What do you mean by that?" She said, surprise evident in her voice. Her surprise astonished me. What was there not to apologize for?

"She was a bitch all the time. You had to put up with her, as did Sirius and Remus. And you never complained, at least not to me. Even Remus had a couple of comments lately. But you were always there, supporting me, even when it was obvious that we were the worst matched pair in Hogwart's history." She smiled up at me, which I felt undeserving of.

"I never thought it my place to lecture you about your love life." She said.

"Do you want it to be your place?" I said, hoping she'd understand my meaning. By her silence, I figured she didn't. "What I mean is...Well. I meant...It's..." I stuttered. "God damn it!" I exclaimed, angry at myself. "When did this get so hard?" I asked her out _how many times _back in fifth year, and yet now, I couldn't even tell her I liked her? What was wrong with me?

"Just say what you want to say, James." She said, ever the sense of reason. I, of course, responded to her reason with babbling nonsense.

"I can't. I can't say what I want to, because if you don't like what I have to say, then I have to live with what I said and I can't take it back. You know? Lily, have you..." I stopped myself, disgusted with my inability to say anything coherent. I started to pace back and forth a couple of steps.

"Look, James, just say it. Please. The anticipation is killing me."

"Killing you?" I muttered. I was about to knowingly destroy our friendship or make a relationship. I think I had a bit more pressure.

"Look, James, if I don't give you the response you want or whatever, or if you regret what say whatever, or you know...whatever, I give you permission to obliviate my memory." I stopped pacing to stare at her. "I trust you to do it correctly."

"I'm not going to do that, Lily." Why in the hell would I alter her memory? Who did she think I was?

"Then please get out with it. You're giving me too much hope, and I'm dizzy, and I am not sure I can stand this feeling in my stomach, so just _say it._" The meaning of her words hit me like a cinderblock. That was hope she gave me. Pure, unadulterated hope. I became confident once more. She gave me something to work off of, which was more than she had ever given me in the past.

"Lily, is it possible that you may return, or could possibly someday return, my non platonic feelings towards you?" I stared at her for several seconds, in which time she stayed silent and her face went bright red. My confidence started to waver in her silence, but before I could become panicked, she took a step closer to me, and grabbed my hand. I looked into her eyes, barely daring to hope.

"Entirely, completely, totally possible." She said. Relief flooded through my veins. I broke out into a massive grin, and kissed her before she could take back her words. Seven years of passion, two years of pining, and one year of friendship made it into that kiss. I knew that we still had a lot to work out. There was no doubt that I would have to convince her of my affections (after all, I had just gotten out of a long term relationship). There would be questions and awkwardness and rough patches, but that was completely fine. None of that mattered. All there was to think about in that moment was the one truly happy and content thought that I was finally where I belonged: with her.

* * *

And that's all, folks. Thank you to everyone who stayed with this story. I realize that the style of it is very uneven. For Lily's section, they are short chapters that get the point across quickly, and not much else. They are a direct rewrite of the original. With James's chapters, the successively got longer and more complex. I went into motivations and thoughts, and more long and complex story lines. As a story as a whole, I realize that it is not the greatest. It varies so much within the chapters. But I like it nevertheless, and I thank you all so much for liking it too.


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